I remember a time in my teens when my
friends and I used to dream of your
current set-up. We’d both date two male
best friends or housemates or maybe even
brothers. Everyone would get on. We’d go
on double dates together. There would be
a double wedding. In reality, this very
rarely works. In the past, like you, I have
learnt this the hard way. I have invited a
friend into the world of my boyfriend
thinking the crossover of circles would be
cosy, and found myself almost immediately regretting it.
I think there are a few problems here, all of them sepa-
rate issues that should be addressed in isolation. The first
is an irritation: that your close mate flirts with your
boyfriend. You’ve said this is a part of her personality, but
is it a part that’s causing damage? Has this come up
before? Does she overstep the mark in a way that embar-
rasses people or embarrasses her? If so, it might be worth
gently pointing this out to her, because she may not be
aware that she’s causing any harm. And you’d be doing her
a favour by letting her know.
The second is that you’re concerned. In your longer
letter you describe how the twin brother is not a nice
boyfriend to your friend; that he criticises her appearance
and refuses to understand her world view. It must be
distressing to watch any woman be treated in this way,
let alone your friend, let alone in your own home. An agony
aunt cannot psychoanalyse from a kitchen table in
Camden, but it sounds like your friend may be struggling
with her self-worth. Perhaps the reason she so compul-
sively looks for attention in the wrong places is the same
reason she can’t see that she is not being given the respect
and care from a partner that she deserves. Telling her this
would be a disaster, of course, as it would probably come
across as patronising or overanalytical. So maybe plan some
one-on-one time with her and ask open questions about
her relationship, hopefully prompting her to reflect on how
she is treated by him. If she invites your opinion, instead of Alexandra Cameronslagging off her boyfriend, describe the sort
of love you hope she has in her life.
The third issue is claustrophobia. In your
longer letter (it was quite a long letter and
I enjoyed every word of it) you describe
how the brother and your friend want to
spend all their time together with you and
your boyfriend as a foursome. In my experi-
ence, when a couple avoids being alone
together through endless socialising it’s
because they’re not happy. I really think
you should be firm with your boundaries on this. Keep
making plans just for you and your boyfriend, and if they
think that’s rude: tough. They can deal with it.
Finally, I think the biggest issue here is a fear that your
territory is being invaded. One of the joys of a relationship,
particularly in its early years, is that it is often distinct
from other parts of your life. A partner’s flat, friendship
group or family can be a place of escape, and when you
trust someone enough to be your authentic self in their
authentic world, it can be gorgeous. It’s wonderful to hear
your boyfriend’s childhood friends tell stories about him as
a teenager. It’s an honour to have his recently heartbroken
friend tag along at the pub and ask for your “advice as a girl”.
It’s heaven to go and stay at his mum’s house for the first
time and have her put some weird lavender-scented talc by
the bed for you. I feel like you want all this gorgeousness for
yourself — that these were things you wanted to experi-
ence as the only new girlfriend in his family and friendship
group. I don’t believe that’s anything to be ashamed of.
I don’t think you should move in with your boyfriend
to get away from them. That’s a decision you want to make
out of excitement, not avoidance, and it shouldn’t be
rushed. But I do wonder if you’re maybe ready to live in a
new flatshare or on your own. The twin and your friend
will break up, I’m certain of it. But the things you’ve learnt
from this experience might be harder to shake. Perhaps
you’re meant to be friends but not live together. And defi-
nitely keep that twin away from your mates in the future. ■Your love, life and friendship dilemmas answered
by Dolly Alderton
Dear Dolly
To get your life dilemma answered by Dolly, email or send a voice note
to [email protected] or DM @theststyleMy housemate and close friend has been dating my boyfriend’s identical twin brother
for a number of months, and I feel incredibly bitter towards both of them as a result.
There is a strange dynamic between the four of us, which I think comes from the
crossing over of so many close bonds. This is complicated by the fact that she flirts
with my boyfriend quite consistently — although this is part of her personality, it
makes me angry because it’s blatantly disrespectful and makes me feel like she
doesn’t value our friendship. How do I navigate this situation and try to let go of my
anger and bitterness? I have prayed for them to split, for my sanity and hers.58 • The Sunday Times Style*