THE GATES OF HELL – BAYONETTA
We always knew Hell would have the best shops. The Gates Of Hell (prop: one Mr
Rodin) stocks everything except clothes, but since ‘Netta makes her own clothes
out of her hair, there wouldn’t be much point in that anyway. With its sleazy neon
vibe, Rodin’s bar is the perfect place to hang between missions, as well as pick
up guns and gear and learn new moves. He’s also a keen collector of vinyl records.
Not because he’s a DJ, but because the gold platters you bring him are Angelic
Hymns LPs – recordings of angels which he uses to lure out demons, trap their
souls and put their powers into new weapons. Plus where else in this world or the
next could you buy a pair of killer heels that shoot bullets? Nowhere, that’s where.
THE BARBER – THE WITCHER 3: WILD HUNT
Okay, so you can’t buy trainers or shop for phones in The Witcher series, but you
can probably get potions distilled from purest leeches to cure your medieval
boils, buy monster-hunting gear or retire to a hostelry for an ale, a game of Gwent
and the company of a lady of dubious moral reputation. Considering the land is
war-torn and filled with roaming monsters, you’ll likely have a bit of coin to spend,
and the shops and taverns of cities like Oxenfurt and Novigrad are well-stocked
with consumables and boast extensive services. Our favourite store has to be the
barber. Here you can completely remodel your facial hair, and shave off or insta-
grow your locks into a real lady-pleasing coiffure. You white-haired strumpet, you.
THE SUPERMARKET – SUPERMARKET SHRIEK
Inspired by an old gameshow in which an orange man
asked dumb questions of stupid people eager to win
a trolley dash up the processed meats and crisps
aisles, this game has been in development for 30
years. Back then it was called Supermarket Text, and
you controlled a supermarket trolley by texting ‘left’
and ‘right’ via dial-up modem. And in development
hell it stayed until the advent of online gaming and
decent mics. The trend for screaming into your
headsets at inept squad members is now being put to
good use, as you control a trolley with your voice. The
game had to be rebuilt to allow for modern shopping
essentials like kale and quinoa, while all the plastic
packaging has been replaced by wood. Stuff like that.OZZY’S CHOP SHOP – BRUTAL LEGEND
Double Fine’s Xbox 360 action adventure stars Jack
Black as a roadie who is transported to an open-
world fantasy setting whose look is inspired by heavy
metal album covers. Here he must do battle against
the forces of evil with a Flying V guitar. Black’s star
power helped bring in such rock luminaries as Lemmy,
Lita Ford and Judas Priest’s Rob Halford. So imagine
the need to trade and upgrade gear in such a world,
and finding that the merchant from whom you can
buy upgrades for your Hotrod not only does business
from inside a volcano, but is in fact Ozzy frickin’
Osbourne. Oh yes, Ozzy runs a chop shop, the coolest
in any game, ever. So stop looking for a cooler one
right now, because you won’t find it.108 THE OFFICIAL XBOX MAGAZINE
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