THENEWYORKER,APRIL11, 2022 23
SHOUTS & MURMURS
L
ook, honey, we know it’s been a hard
few years. It’s perfectly normal to
feel uneasy about making any major life
changes right now. But your stepfather
and I agree that just because we’re cur-
rently standing in the shadow of an enor-
mous tsunami still gathering momentum
is no reason not to give us a grandchild.
Yes, the tsunami is big. Yes, it’s scary.
Yes, there’s a hundred-per-cent certainty
that it will crash down in a matter of
minutes and drown everyone in its path.
But you know what? There’s always going
to be a reason not to do something.
You don’t think my generation had
fears? We fought for civil rights! And
women’s rights! I mean, not us specif-
ically but our contemporaries. And
things seemed dark to us, too, when our
friends first started having kids. We
weren’t sure the world would ever be
the same after the Exxon Valdez oil
spill. But we decided to be brave any-
way, and we had you.
And it just makes me so sad to think
about what would have happened if we
hadn’t! I wouldn’t have been able to do
all those picnics and sing-alongs and
Mommy and Me classes with my sweet
little curly-haired girl! I probably would
have just kept working at the firm and
eventually been promoted, and had a
whole life and a sense of self outside
the domestic sphere. Your father and I
might still be together, actually. Hmm.
But, the point is, you wouldn’t exist!
And now it’s time for you to repay us
for that.
Don’t tell me that no one in your
generation is having kids because of the
giant wall of water rising higher and
higher every second, nearly engulfing
the entire horizon. You know my friend
Jeanie? Her son already has three. Yes,
you did know that. Yes, you did. Re-
member? I sent you pictures of the blan-
kets I knit for them? Along with the
text “When will I get to make one of
these for you???” And then “LOL!” and
the laughing emoji, so you’d know I
wasn’t one of those moms, who would
ever dream of putting pressure on you.
Here’s the thing: you don’t even know
for sure that the tsunami will hit us!
No one can predict the future. Maybe
they’ll find a way to reverse kinetic wave
energy in the next sixty seconds. Or at
least slow it down! You could have
grandkids of your own by the time the
thing even crests. Or all your friends
will, and you’ll be alone, with no one to
pay for your nursing home. And how
silly will you feel then?
Oh, you have “moral concerns” about
consigning an innocent baby to a ter-
rible post-apocalyptic life? O.K., Miss
“I took one philosophy course in col-
lege and now I refuse to shop at the
Gap because it’s ‘fast fashion,’ even
though they have some very cute pieces
this season.” You don’t know for sure
that a life conceived under an about-
to-break tsunami will be terrible. It might
be different, sure. Underwater, maybe.
But it will still be life! Unless, you
know... it’s death. But there’s no get-
ting around death, dear. You’re not God.
All I’m saying is, don’t overthink it.
Procreation is what we’re put on earth
to do. Literally. We gave birth to you so
that you would one day give us a grand-
child to squeeze and spoil and bounce on
our knees twice a year. You’re kind of not
holding up your end of the bargain here.
Don’t get upset. Why can’t you see
this as a compliment? We’re saying we
want another you! A cuter, sweeter,
pinker version of you who is too young
and dumb to see our flaws!
Yes, things are dark right now. Lit-
erally, because the tsunami is blocking
out the sun. But standing there frozen
in panic and avoiding living your life is,
frankly, just self-indulgent. I think you’re
being a bit dramatic, honestly. You’re
going to end our genetic line over one
little splash of city-demolishing water?
And the debris it’s currently picking up
as it rushes closer with deadly speed—I
know, I know.
Look, I’m agreeing with you. The
catastrophic tsunami filling our field of
vision does make things seem pretty
hopeless. But that’s all the more reason
to give the whole family something to
live for! Not to mention something to
talk about at family gatherings that isn’t
politics! Come on, doesn’t that pit of
terror at the base of your stomach just
make you think about creating a life?
Kids bring hope. You have to have hope.
You just have to!
Will hope slow the enormous tsu-
nami now looming directly above our
heads, poised to crash with the force of
a speeding bullet train? Probably not.
But it will certainly make me feel good,
in the waning moments of humanity,
to be the one posting the chubby-lit-
tle-thigh pics on Facebook, instead of
the one commenting “What a cutie!”
and then unnecessarily signing my name
to the comment.
Anyway, dear, the top of the wave
looks like it’s cresting, so we might have
to continue this later. We have to walk
the dog before the continent is ravaged.
You know your stepfather doesn’t like
her paws to get muddy.
Before I let you go: promise me that
you’ll at least freeze your eggs.
WHAT TSUNAMI?
BY HALLIECANTOR
LUCI GUTIÉRREZ
