the times Saturday April 9 202238 Travel
House of Gods
Edinburgh
In the old red-light district, this 22-room
hotel doesn’t just run with the
neighbourhood’s risqué heritage, it
relishes its bordello bawdiness. The
ruby-red, velvet-panelled bar has pink
leather banquettes below a giant disco
ball, its restaurant serves gold-leaf
wagyu beef burgers on Versace plates,
and the bedroom corridors are as dimly
lit as a Soho speakeasy. The rooms,
inspired by Versailles and the Orient
Express, definitely aren’t aiming for
subtlety: the look is more is more,
including Gucci wallpaper, House of
Hackney furnishings, polished parquet
floors, velvet-panelled walls and four-
poster beds where three wise monkeys
nudge and wink from the headboard.
It’s probably worth mentioning that the
soundproofing is reassuringly next-level.
Details B&B doubles from
£120 (houseofgodshotel.com)The Mandrake London
It’s round the corner from the Warner
Bros offices and if this Fitzrovia
honeypot were a film it’d be as
fantastical as Pan’s Labyrinth. You could
bring children here but only if you
wanted to scare them stupid with
glimpses of trippy murals, tribal masks
and avant-garde sculptures. It is hosting
an exhibition of darkly comic,
disconcerting works by the Berlin artist
Jonas Burgert, the 21st century’s answer
to Hieronymous Bosch, for example.
Go all out for dinner in a cabana,
decorated in vibrant colours inspired by
the jasmine-scented courtyard beyond.
Rooms are monochrome cocoons, while
suites are dimly lit, louche, fin-de-siècle
dens. For entertainment, DJs play house
and deep tech in the bar or your
wellbeing concierge (yes, really) can
arrange anything from sound baths to
shaman healing sessions.
Details Room-only doubles from
£344 (themandrake.com)Crockers
Henley, Oxfordshire
You get to peek behind the curtain and
see the culinary fireworks being created
during dinner at this understated
restaurant with rooms on Henley’s
Market Place. Alex Payne learnt all
about choice cuts and even choicer
language working for Gordon Ramsay
and Heston Blumenthal. At his Thames
chef’s table, 14 lucky diners get to
interact with Payne and his trusted
wingmen as they prepare seven
spectacular courses featuring specialities
such as Payne’s chicken-liver parfait
spin on a Jammie Dodger, and a
“cornetto” — in this case filled with crab
and avocado mousse. After petits fours,
it’s all four-posters, free-standing baths
and industrial-chic chandeliers, giving
an edge to the building’s Georgian DNA.
The hotel’s collaboration with Hobbs of
Henley means you can arrange a trip
down the Thames on an Edwardian day
boat or a Dutch-made sloop.
Details Half-board doubles from
£450 (henley.crockersuk.com)Linthwaite House
Bowness, Cumbria
Its location high above Windermere has
always been five-star. Down at the lake,
it’s all annoying tourist crocodiles; up
at this splendid Edwardian mansion it’s
more leopard and zebra. Linthwaite’s
sitting rooms are now resplendent in
animal stripes and tribal pieces after a£10 million revamp that nods to the
owner’s South African roots. Dinner is
masterminded by Simon Rogan, whose
nearby L’Enclume restaurant recently
achieved three-Michelin-star status. He
peppers local ingredients with exotic
elements, so the pork belly is served
with spiced lentils and sumac and the
pineapple upside-down pudding is
slathered in bourbon ice cream. Best to
work up an appetite with a walk through
Linthwaite’s 14 acres, which are dotted
with striking contemporary sculptures.
Children are welcome here but easily
avoidable given the generous amounts
of public space.
Details B&B doubles from
£306 (mrandmrssmith.com)The Mash Inn
Radnage,
Buckinghamshire
Think how difficult it can be to
get a child to eat broccoli and
you’ll appreciate the wisdom
of this boutique boozer’s over-
16s policy, seeing as it serves
delights such as bog butter.
For foodies, said spread’s peaty
flavours are a tantric treat; for
a child it might only spell a
tantrum. The chef Nick Mash has
transformed this 18th-century inn
in the sleepy Chilterns hamlet of
Bennett End into a dining hub where
foraged, pickled and cured ingredients
take centre stage, although the open-fire
cooking is a crowd-pleaser too. The six
rooms shake up their battered old beams
with some Scandi styling, thanks to a
dove-grey palette and plenty of
whitewashed wood, and are so cosy you
have no choice but to snuggle up.
Details Half-board doubles from
£320 (themashinn.com)The Rose Deal, Kent
Alex Bagner was formerly a senior
editor at the style bible Wallpaper* and
she’s brought all her design knowledge
to bear on the moodboard for this
Victorian boozer in Deal’s conservation
area, adding Tracey Emins and
modernist furnishing to its classic
Dickens dimensions. It’s equally
interesting in the kitchen, where the
Portuguese superchef Nuno Mendes,
who had a celebrity following at his
restaurant at Chiltern Firehouse in
London, oversees a menu featuring
many of his signature dishes, such as
crab doughnuts. The eight bedrooms
don’t hold back on the bold colours,
rich textiles and vintage furnishings,
and even have hipster-friendly record
players and curated vinyl collections.
They’re child-friendly too — but if
you do bring the kids, make sure
little Johnnie doesn’t help himself
to a whisky nightcap from the
hallway honesty bar.
Details B&B doubles from
£100 (therosedeal.com)The Gallivant
Camber,
East Sussex
This retro-cool roadside motel
went child-free a few years ago and
has never looked back. Its emphasis is
on wellness and there is even a guest
happiness manager. Fortunately the
team realise that food makes us very
happy indeed, so there are free all-day
elevenses (including moreish homemade
cake) and a glass of English sparkling
wine on the house at five-ish. In between
feeds, glorious Camber Sands is just
across the road for walks, paddles and
paddleboarding, and the hotel has great
yoga instructors. Bedrooms haveweathered timber walls and are
decorated in coastal shades such
as warm golds, ocean blues and soft
sunrise pinks. Nearby Rye’s antique
shops and art galleries provide more
grown-up distractions.
Details B&B doubles from
£257 (thegallivant.co.uk)Roch Castle
Haverfordwest,
Pembrokeshire
This 12th-century fortress has bagged
the best rocky outcrop for views of the
sunset over St Brides Bay, and although
you can bring children, the fact that it
has launched a proposals package tells
you all you need to know about how
reassuringly romantic it is. And you
don’t have to get down on bent knee
to ask for rose petals to be strewn
across your room or for champagne
to be served on its viewing platform.
Art is a particular focus, with bespoke
ceramics inspired by the
Pembrokeshire coastline and eye-
catching contemporary tapestries that
celebrate the castle’s Norman heritage.
The six rooms have a sleek simplicity,
with walls that are 5ft thick, and some
are tucked up in the turrets and tower.
Details B&B doubles from
£220 (rochcastle.com)The Black Swan
Oldstead, North Yorkshire
Cue your Cathy and Heathcliff
moment. Calm down, pedants. We
know Haworth was Emily Brontë’s
inspiration for the dramatic Wuthering
Heights landscape, but we’re taking
literary licence and suggesting you
drive a little further north to combine
the wily, windy moors with thisA lounge at the Artist Residence in PenzanceFinn Lough
in Enniskillen