The Times Magazine 5his week, it’s five years since
we got our dog, Luna. Like
39,449,595,858,585 other
middle-class families, we got
a cockapoo – the dependable
yet high-end Waitrose of
dogs. Most days, north
London parks host the
Greater London Cockapoo
Flock – thousands of them, looking like furry
white sheep, being not terribly bright but
“of good heart”.
The dogs of my childhood were... not of
good heart? Our sibling vocabulary included
the word “savving” – short for “savaging”,
because our dogs did it so often, we gave it a
nickname. Because of this history, I worried
that I only knew how to do dogs Wrong.
Well, here we are, half a decade later- enough time to say, confidently, I think
I can now do dogs Right. It’s pretty easy,
to be honest – you read some books, follow
the advice and voilà: harder than a cat, easier
than a child but primarily magic. An amiable
mini-wolf who thinks you and all your people
are great. We adore her with an intensity that
has surprised us. She is our small domestic
god. We worship her – from her greasy snout
and tiny dog heart to her wonky, waggy tail.
However, after half a decade with Luna,
here are the things I’ve learnt about dogs that
weren’t in those books we read in advance.
- If your family has ever argued over its
pecking order – who are the top dogs, who are
the supplicants – an actual dog will settle this
for you, once and for all. The least dominant
member of your family is the one who will
find all the dog bones carefully “buried” under
their pillow. I presume the dog’s thinking
is that it could beat that person in a tussle,
should the human try to keep the bone. One
of the great joys of the past five years has
been giving Luna a bone the size of her head,
watching her carefully disappear upstairs with
it – and then, ten minutes later, hearing Lizzie
shout, “Oh, no! She’s meated up my bed again!” - Although dogs do like bones, dog books
never warn you how much more they like toast.
Luna is obsessed with toast. It is her greatest
want. While the results of calling, “Luna! Come
here!” are very much – on her side – considered
on a case-by-case basis, simply depressing the
lever on the toaster means that, by the time you
turn around, a small dog will have appeared
T
CAITLIN MORAN
Eight things they don’t tell you about getting a dog
It’s five years since I fell in love with Luna. This is what I’ve learnt
ROBERT WILSON
behind you and will be staring at you, clearly
trying to hypnotise you with thought: “I should
give this incredibly good dog some toast.”- She’s a furry mood ring. When guests arrive
at the house, Luna will, unostentatiously, go to
sit on the lap of whoever is the most troubled
or sad. Her instinct is unerring. It doesn’t
matter how upbeat someone initially presents
- if Luna sits on their lap or very quietly
licks their trousers, we will know that asking,
“So, how’s it really going?” will prompt
heart-opening, crying or confessions. Spaniels
and poodles were bred to carefully retrieve
wounded game. Luna is true to her breeds.
- Your dog has a very different version of
events to you. Every morning, I go outside
to feed the birds: grains on the table, dried
worms on the lawn.
From Luna’s point of view, however, every
morning I go outside and serve her up a
delicious bar snack of what looks like bacon
bits or Frazzles – but only give her ten seconds
to eat them, before shouting, “No!” at her
worm-covered snout. She does not understand
this game – but by God, it makes her happy. - She is a jealous god. Bumping into someone
with a new puppy is one of the great joys of
life – unless you’re with Luna. Luna hates all
puppies. To pet another small, adorable dog
is the dog equivalent of conducting a flagrant
affair in front of her. In a mild incident, she
will simply put herself between us and the
puppy, emitting a Hard Stare. In extreme cases,
she will go full “Keep away from my family,
you little slag” bitch fight. Which for her, given
her cheerfulness, means “a medium-sized
woof”. You have to remain faithful to your dog,
above all others. For her, I now spurn puppies.- In the colder months, picking up a warm
dog poo with a plastic bag works by way
of nature’s hand warmer, and is a welcome
perk – even to be fought over. - Ten thousand years may pass before
humanity finally agrees on which is the better
sound: tiny dog claws tip-tap clattering joyfully
towards you or the satisfied sigh then fart of a
dog falling asleep. - Once they reach their fifth birthday, you
can’t stop thinking, “I’ve had a third of your
life now. If I’m lucky.” I fear the grief like an
oncoming train that’s already left the previous
station. I have bought myself the greatest joy
- and the greatest future heartbreak. They
don’t mention that in the books either. n
If your family has ever argued over who is top dog,
an actual dog will settle this for you, once and for all
Caitlin and Luna