The Sunday Times Magazine • 57your children are forced to pay for your stay
in an old peoples’ home by selling your
house to some property developers. In
which case your cherished veg beds will be
turned into landfill as well.
I think this is what defines old age. All the
stuff I used to think was boring is now a
“lovely” way of passing the time. I haven’t
fallen into the jigsaw wormhole yet and
I haven’t taken up bridge or golf. Nor have I
felt compelled yet to spend any time sitting
in the Volvo in a “viewing area” at a beauty
spot drinking tea from a Thermos. But I will.
Cash in the Attic is different, though. I will
happily waste time watching that and I’m
also happy to spend hours mooching about
in antique shops, admiring dovetail joints.
I’ve even thought about taking up
woodworking myself. I may get a lathe and
spend the afternoons making lamps.
We need to live like this because if we fill
our diaries with exciting mini-breaks to
Barcelona, we will only have to cancel them
when one of our friends dies and it turns
out the funeral’s that day. When people get
married or turn 40 the parties are planned
well in advance, but funerals are always a
surprise and because they play such havoc
with a busy social life, it’s probably easier to
not have a party. That way you’re always free
to go to a funeral.
The big problem with all this time-
wasting is that age is cruel. It affects us all in
different ways. I saw Genesis recently and
the randomness of ageing could not have
been brought into sharper focus. There
were Mike Rutherford and Tony Banks in
sharp suits with cool hair, standing upright
and looking tanned. And in between there
was Phil Collins. He was no older, but he
was grey and wizened and crippled with
some terrible back issue.
He has been forced then, by God’s mean
streak, to do jigsaws knowing that Tony and
Mike can still at least manage a game of
Swingball. It must be irksome.
When you’re 22 and all your friends are
22 you can all do the same things, but when
you’re 62 it’s different. Some people will be
able to do underwater fencing while others
will be worn out from doing up their
shoelaces. And the ones who have to take a
breather on a flight of stairs will be resentful
of those who are up there already, bouncing
around on their wives. Old age is not a place
where friendships can flourish. There’s too
much bitterness. Too much envy.From top: with an
Apache helicopter;
at the bow of the
Jahre Viking
supertanker; flying
in an F-15 jet — all on
Jeremy Clarkson’s
Extreme Machines
in 1998. Bottom:
attempting to reach
the North Pole on
Top Gear, 2007
Gardening now holds
some appeal. I bought
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them mildly arousing