discovered that when I changed modes and concentrated intently
on something other than them, they invariably interrupted me.
For example, if they were playing together quietly in the next
room, and I busied myself cleaning the sink, sorting clothes, or even
doing some light reading, chances were that I could continue doing
any “mindless” activity for some time. But if I decided to take ad-
vantage of the quiet playtime, to read a journal or study something
that required my focused attention, it seemed that about a minute
or two later little feet always came running in to interrupt. It seemed
as if the kids had ESP when my attentive-to-them, scanning-for-de-
tails mental state was replaced by focused attention, which “tuned
them out.” Trying to focus in the midst of continual interruptions
is frustrating. The net effect was to discourage focused conscious-
ness—thus modifying my mental behavior.
When the situation dawned on me, I tried an experiment that
others might also try. Wait for one of those calm times when a
preschool child is content and awake doing something without you.
Note that you can busy yourself with something that does not require
concentration. Then check the clock and switch from diffuse
awareness to focused consciousness on another type of task. See
how long you can focus on this task before the child interrupts you.
Not only little children react thus when the important woman in
their lives tunes them out to focus on some concern of her own. My
women patients have also described countless incidents with other
people. For example, when a relationship-oriented woman enrolls
in a course or returns to college as a graduate student, one inevitable
source of friction between her and those who live with her—husband,
lover, older children—are their intrusions and interruptions when
she studies. She herself often has trouble concentrating on her work:
the receptive, diffuse state of mind that allows a woman to attend
to others also allows them to distract her easily.
And when she does concentrate, the man in her life may uncon-
sciously react to her work as if it were a rival taking her away from
him. His reaction is to the loss of her attentiveness, which has until
then been part of his home environment. He may be reacting to the
temporary absence of Hera or Demeter
Goddesses in Everywoman