4 Elementary School–Aged Children 91
This hurt and confusion is much like that of other bereaved people, but children
have fewer cognitive tools with which to make sense of the loss. Feeling that
one “doesn’t belong” or “is not enough” has to do with changes in the par-
ents as they grieve and transformation of the family structure into something
unrecognizable. They feel inadequate to meet their parents’ needs and expec-
tations. Packman et al. (2006) suggest that promoting continuing bonds can
be fruitful for siblings, although they note the exception of siblings who have
had contentious, competitive relationships. They employ the language of
Devita-Raeburn (2004) who talks about “carrying” the deceased sibling along
in life. “Carrying” is a way of keeping the memory and relationship with the
dead sibling alive, but also a way of making sure that each developmental
phase is integrated with a reprocessing of the loss by the maturing sibling.
Youngblut and Brooten (2013) also emphasized this need to maintain
memories of a deceased sibling and recognized that this is difficult when a
sibling dies in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) or pediatric intensive
care unit (PICU). They note that young children have a tendency to somati-
cize (have tummy aches, headaches, etc.) after the death of a sibling in NICU
or PICU. Children who never got to interact with the sibling except in these
hospital settings may have more difficulty processing the sibling’s meaning to
them. Youngblut and Brooten (2013) reported that in their sample Black chil-
dren insisted that their deceased sibling “was in a better place,” an assertion
not found among the White and Hispanic children. They recommend use of
scrapbooks and opportunities to talk about the sibling as a way of allowing
children to process a newborn or young sibling’s death.
Death of a Pet
Commonly, children in this age range lose a pet, often a beloved one that has
been confided in and viewed as a family member. This is often the first death
a child experiences and may set a template for how the child processes grief in
the future. When this loss is disenfranchised through nonrecognition or out-
right demeaning or trivializing of the feelings of grief, the child is given the
message that mourning is not acceptable. A similar message is communicated
if a beloved pet merely disappears and is never spoken of again. This may det-
rimentally affect the child’s ability to process grief in the future. When the loss
is acknowledged (as with Ethan’s funeral for Polly described at the beginning
of the previous chapter) children learn that loss can be observed, discussed
and mourned. Many veterinary services now recognize the power of the bond
between pets and their owners and provide support resources (see for example
http://www.vet.upenn.edu/veterinary-hospitals/ryan-veterinary-hospital/
services/grief-support-social-services/grief-support-resources).
Nondeath Losses
Losses Due to Sexual Abuse
In the United States, one in four girls and one in six boys is sexually abused
before the age of 18 (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2005).
Children who have experienced sexual abuse endure the loss of a trusting,
