92 Grief and Loss Across the Lifespan
caring relationship with the abuser, and in the future often have difficulty
trusting within relationships and/or being vulnerable within them. Fleming
and Belanger (2001) identify the survivors’ tendency to either hypersexual-
ize relationships and/or withdraw from sexuality altogether, and describe
this as a long-term loss insofar as relationships are repeatedly affected in
negative ways.
In adulthood, children who experienced sexual abuse have higher levels
of depression, dissociative identity disorder, borderline personality disorder,
criminal convictions, substance use disorders, and eating disorders (Friedman
et al., 2011), and these outcomes seem to be intensified if the individual is also
of sexual minority group status (LGBTQ). Yet we should not cast these associa-
tions as stereotypes that diminish the resiliency of many who thrive nonethe-
less (Zafar & Ross, 2013).
In one of the few studies to examine the narratives of sexually abused
children while they were still children (derived from trauma focused-cognitive
behavioral therapy (TF-CBT) interventions), the primary theme to emerge was
their fear of the abuser and experiencing abuse in the future. These fears for
safety were written in each of the 21 narratives examined (Foster & Hagedorn,
2014). Even though most children fear their abuser, they may also continue
attempts to gain that person’s praise and deny the negative impact on self.
Survivors of sexual abuse may deny the effects of the abuse in much
the same way that people deny the affective impact of a loss. Just as children
bereaved in more traditional ways must rework their losses as they mature,
children who experience sexual and other abuse must rework their under-
standings to recognize, validate, and grieve the losses involved in the betrayal
of the parental (or abuser) relationship. If they deny the negative impacts of
the loss, they may be unable to continue to rework their understanding of the
experience through more mature lenses. Part of healing and being resilient
after losses due to sexual abuse involves acknowledging the experience, con-
sidering the losses involved in the parental and caregiver relationships, and
attending to self-care and healing over a lifetime. In short, mourning the loss
of a trusted caregiver’s nurture can be as painful as a death.Typical and Maturational Losses
Loss Due to Parental Divorce
Parental divorce is common when children are in elementary school and
places children in some untenable positions. Children often engage in omnip-
otent and magical thinking and therefore believe that they somehow caused
the problems between their parents and/or the dissolution of their marriage.
Further, they may be used as pawns between parents fighting over property,
financial support, and their children’s loyalty. Despite the consistent and loud
expert advice to help children through their parents’ divorce (Hecker & Sori,
2003), children remain the forgotten mourners. Children this age often need
concrete examples in order to process new events, and while in divorce there
is “the lack of a body” (Kroll, 2002, p. 113), the child has experienced a loss