94 Grief and Loss Across the Lifespan
Loss of Being a Child
Children can be deprived of their childhood by many losses: being exposed
to abuse (of every kind), deaths, relocation (see Falk’s reading at the end of
this chapter), life in poverty, life-threatening illness (see Calvert’s reading at
the end of this chapter) or differences like atypical sexual development (see
Baratz Dalke’s reading at the end of Tweens and Teens). Although childhood
is likely idealized and children have more worries, responsibilities, and needs
than typically portrayed, many in the circumstances noted above become
parentified: they feel the need to take on the responsibilities, concerns, and
burdens of adulthood before their time (Jurkovic, 1997). Although recent
research finds that parentification can enhance abilities and develop strengths,
the general practice wisdom is that families should be helped to ensure that
children are not overburdened with adult roles and responsibilities and that
they have room in their lives for play, friendship, and imagination (Chee, Goh,
& Kuczynski, 2014). The losses of parentified childhood are often unrecog-
nized and yet losses unrecognized are losses with the potential for submerged
resentment to produce grief later in life (see Huong’s observations in the Falk
reading at the end of this chapter). Helping families to acknowledge losses and
attempt to ameliorate and/or mourn them to some degree may help minimize
the internalized rage parentified children are believed to carry into adulthood.Intervention Issues With Elementary School Children
Children in elementary school are developmentally primed to engage with peers.
It is therefore not surprising that many authors describe interventions with chil-
dren based on group work. Groups allow children to feel the support of others
who mourn similar losses. This re-enfranchises the loss and allows children to
hear from others at their developmental level about strategies for coping with
their loss. Most important, group participation shows them that they are not
alone and that others have gone through very similar losses and circumstances.
Children grieve differently, taking Dual Process (Stroebe & Schut, 1999,
2005) to its extremes; they cry one minute and play happily the next, particu-
larly at younger ages. Unfortunately, this makes it seem that they are either
grieving “incorrectly” or not grieving at all (Crenshaw, 2002). Children blunt
their grief-expression in order to protect the surviving parent or siblings from
painful reminders, and also occasionally due to fears of shaming themselves
by showing intense emotions. Clinicians working with grieving children must
show themselves as trustworthy, truly hearing, and validating the grief, while
also not pushing or otherwise indicating to children that their emotions are
anything other than what they are in the moment (Crenshaw, 2002). Parents
may get bereavement leave, but children are often brought back to school
fairly soon after a death. It is important to allow space for their dual process
to function. For example, assuring that they can leave the classroom to go to a
safe space to process their grief with a trusted adult can help.
Goldman (2015) suggests use of play props such as telephones, magic
wands, and other toys that invite school-aged children to talk with their
deceased loved one or express their wishes. She often uses projective drawing,