4 Elementary School–Aged Children 95inviting children to scribble and then tell her what they see in it. Goldman
dispels the myth that children do not really grieve and emphasizes that edu-
cating children’s caretakers and educators to create a safe space to truly listen
to the child’s thoughts and feelings about the loss is at least as important as
academic work with the bereaved child.
In the case of a parent’s extended, terminal illness, decisions must be
made about how to prepare for the impending death. There has been a move-
ment toward facilitating attachments prior to a death while also acknowledg-
ing the coming loss and using time for anticipatory grieving. Saldinger, Cain,
Porterfield, and Lohnes (2004) question the value of romanticizing an antici-
pated “good death” (2004, p. 916), but also recognize that facilitating intimacy
and optimizing remaining time with the family member may be more impor-
tant than minimizing the strains of trying to both attach and detach at the
same time. They studied the effect of this ambiguous position on children and
found that children did make efforts to stay connected to dying parents, even
when the parent was non-responsive due to illness, or even outright “mean”
(pp. 926–927). They also found that the surviving parent usually bore respon-
sibility for mediating the relationship between the dying parent and the child
to some degree. They often were responsible for developing or participating in
legacy projects to maintain memories and connections after the other parent’s
death. Saldinger, Cain, et al. (2004) found that the unpredictability of death
and the tendency of families to believe they can orchestrate a positive fare-
well ritual can create problems, particularly for young children who may be
frightened by the physical sounds and actions of individuals as they die. They
conclude that a formulaic approach to fostering attachment is not useful, but
fostering attachment is valued when all parties pursue it flexibly and with
sensitivity to the child’s needs and developmental capacities. Similarly, in pur-
suing legacy projects adults should let children adjust their level of interest at
any point in time. School-age children seem to avoid attending to letters and
other communications from the deceased parent, preferring to look at gifts
from that parent or other mementoes. In time, they become mature enough to
handle the direct communications.
Intervention strategies to support children with dying relatives tend to be
organized to allow professionals to focus care within three spheres: the cogni-
tive, affective, and behavioral (Dunning, 2006). A professional who is not part
of the family system can interact, sometimes in displaced and symbolic ways,
with the children. They are able to convey information appropriate to the
child’s developmental stage, correct misconceptions due to magical thinking
and other age-related cognition, validate the child’s feelings and responses,
and provide support. The worker can also help interpret some of the child’s
behaviors to the rest of the family to minimize reactivity, misunderstanding
and/or false conclusions (Dunning, 2006). Saldinger, Porterfield, and Cain
(2004) developed a coding scheme for child-centered parenting behaviors
that includes nine criteria: provision of information, communicating feelings,
awareness and responsiveness, maintaining a stable environment, getting
additional support for the child, exposure to the dying parent, encouraging
funeral participation, relationship facilitation, and meaning-making. The
extent to which the surviving parent can take a child-centered approach corre-
lated highly with the elementary school-aged child’s ability to cope effectively.