124 Grief and Loss Across the Lifespan
especially parents (Rando, 1993). Recent empirical findings suggest that the
sudden death of a child does entail more persistent and pervasive negative
outcomes (as measured by death accommodation), though homicide led the
way to more difficult adjustments than suicide (Murphy, Johnson, Chung,
et al., 2003). Many researchers note the relationship tensions that occur for cou-
ples when a child dies, spurred by differences in grieving styles, the fact that
both require support at the same time, and hampering of the couple’s com-
munication (Rando, 1986,1993; Schwab, 1998). Yet Klass (1986–1987) suggested
a paradoxical effect: Couples experience a profound bond due to the shared
loss of a child, yet each is somewhat estranged from the other because each
parent had a singular relationship (and subsequent loss) with the deceased
child. Grief affects both in ways that it does most mourners, with sadness,
anhedonia, lethargy, periodic upsurges of grief, and the need to share stories
of the deceased, often in asynchronous ways. In a unique longitudinal design,
Murphy, Johnson, Wu, et al. (2003) found that marriages experienced stress
after a child’s sudden death, with marital satisfaction decreasing over time to
reach a low at 5 years after the death. Despite consistent findings of lower mar-
ital satisfaction after loss, Schwab (1998) reported little evidence to support the
widely held view that divorce rates increase for couples whose child dies.
As with the death of a younger child, parents’ dreams for their child are
part of the loss. Adolescents may be starting to engage with parents in a rela-
tionship that is more rewarding than formerly as the normal rebellions of the
tween and early teen years wane. In obituaries, parents commonly observe
that a child “was just getting his life together” or “at the beginning of her life”
when the teen dies. As with making meaning in other losses, parents find hope
and solace when they can usefully memorialize a tragedy (Klass, 2005; Klass
et al., 1996).
When a teen dies as a result of suicide, the parents struggle with the
“why” of the death and may find little solace even when the decedent has
written a suicide note (Lindqvist, Johansson, & Karlsson, 2008). Lindqvist et al.
(2008) report that these notes, which often take the form of reassurances of
love, requests for forgiveness or requests that parents forget them, provide
little understanding of motives. They comment that this may reflect the basic
problem that teens are not able to convey their pain or impulse toward suicide,
and hence may act on it rather than communicate that they are struggling. In
their small sample, most parents struggled with surprise, betrayal, and with
anger toward the teen for taking such action over what parents viewed as nor-
mal life problems. The research identified a mismatch between parent’s wishes
and the provision of support to the bereaved parents and family. Intervention
was often given soon after the teen’s death, but parents indicate that they pre-
fer to receive support for a longer period of time after the death.Grandparents’ Grief After Adolescent’s Death
Grandparents may not be viewed as “legitimate grievers” and yet they are
mourning the deceased teen. They also may be upset by their inability to com-
fort their own grieving child (the parent). In a support group with those whose
grandchildren died of cancer (usually an anticipated death), grandparents