5 Tweens and Teens 125
identified the frustrations of being unable to process their own grief because
they were busy supporting the bereaved parents (their children) (Nehari,
Grebler, & Toren, 2007). Some grandparents observed that their children
pulled away from the relationship to conserve their waning energy as they
grieved their child, leaving the grandparents alone in their grief and a bit
estranged from their children. Nehari et al. (2007) suggest that support groups
for grandparents validate the grandparents’ grief while also providing them a
legitimate place to process their grief.
Typical and Maturational Losses
Higher Expectations for Responsibility and Independence
Teens experience intensified expectations about academic work and pres-
sure to develop long-term life goals. As children enter middle school and
high school, more demands are made upon their time, energy, and ability to
conform to educational (as well as familial) imperatives. They are treated by
teachers and parents as responsible for their own production of work (or lack
thereof). Although this is legitimate and helpful to development, the struggle
parallels toddler losses: The adolescents embrace their growing independence,
but may want to avoid the ramifications of being held responsible for their
behavior. To no longer be granted fairly unconditional support—financially
and emotionally—is a maturational loss, expressed by adolescents in the
ambivalence with which they pursue independent/adult roles while wishing
for less pressure.
Aspects of Identity Change
Recent scholarship reveals that a cynical pragmatism has developed among
many adolescents in response to growing pressures to succeed. One example
is the phenomenon of “doing school” by working only as necessary to attain
achievements and good grades, largely discounting more ideal motivations
like self-satisfaction (Pope, 2001). These pressures result in losses: of the joy of
learning and gaining a sense of self-efficacy through achieving goals for their
own sake rather than as a means to an end. Further, aside from “creating a gen-
eration of stressed out, materialistic and mis-educated students” (Pope, 2001),
these unrecognized losses of self-efficacy and joy may also lead to depression,
as when teens express the helplessness of feeling overwhelmed and never able
to catch up (JLM McCoyd’s clinical experiences).
Even more commonly, tweens and especially teens must adjust to the
maturational losses involved in identity formation. Adolescence is a time of
“trying on” different dimensions of identity and then settling into a more
consistent identity. Although this is a positive maturational step, it entails
loss of the ability to continue to try out different roles and aspects of iden-
tity. Further, as self-knowledge grows, teens become aware of the discrepan-
cies between the identity they adopt and the ones that are socially valued by
society (and/or peers). This brings some back into conformance with social
