126 Grief and Loss Across the Lifespan
norms, as when a teen who experiments with drugs and/or alcohol gets
pressure to abstain from teammates within a chosen sport. (These forces for
conformity are most efficacious when coming from a valued peer or refer-
ence group.) Females may experience a less positive loss due to conformity,
often referred to as a loss of voice. This adoption of silence as a safe posi-
tion from which to avoid conflict (particularly with males) is documented
across many cultures (Gilligan, 1993; Iglesias & Courmier, 2002; Jack, 1991).
Mixed messages about gender roles are being negotiated at the same time as
mixed messages about whether they are maturing too quickly or not quickly
enough. Discrepant messages add to the struggles for teens as they work to
consolidate identity.
Another major identity issue arises as adolescents mature and begin to
have more support for relationship-building. Individuals may realize that their
love interests revolve around same sex relationships rather than the more com-
mon heterosexual ones. Although a positive development in self-awareness,
it can also lead to secrecy and self-silencing (a form of loss) if the teen does
not believe this identity will be supported and valued by those in their social
milieu. Further, even if the social group is supportive, teens must decide
whether to share this aspect of identity since heterosexist culture makes the
assumption of heterosexuality until shown otherwise (McGeorge & Carlson,
2011). Kitts (2005) reports that feeling a sense of difference and fear of ostra-
cism can create the circumstances whereby a teen may resort to suicide to
avoid the pain of stigmatization.
LaSala (2014) reveals the role of parents in providing support for the
recognition of sexuality, and in protecting teens from potential harm. His
research suggests that parental knowledge, involvement, and active com-
munication can assist gay teens in adopting safer sex practices, suggest-
ing implicitly that such teens also have more self-acceptance and self-care.
Unrecognized losses involved in identity formation (whether issues such as
sexual identifications described in “A Girl Unlike Other Girls” in the read-
ing at the end of this chapter, or even identification as the “band geek” or
the “jock”) can add to the possibility of acting impulsively out of a fear of
ostracism.
Double jeopardy, the tendency to avoid sharing feelings of loss while
being deprived of support since others are not informed (Oltjenbruns, 1996),
implies that teens may also need support around these maturational and other
losses. Even when emotional supports are available, teens may not be forth-
coming about the ways losses (ended love relationships, abortions, failures
in school, etc.) also bring about the end of a fantasy for the future (Rowling,
2002). These disenfranchised losses are unrecognized and occur at a time
when adolescents often are assumed ready to handle their emotions on their
own. Although this does not really apply to any age group (humans gener-
ally benefit from sharing their emotions with trusted others), for tweens and
teens this may be more risky because they believe these thoughts and feelings
make them out of the ordinary. Asking adolescents to talk about their feelings
directly is often unsuccessful, yet asking gentle, specific questions (What is it
like to be working now? How are you coping with your break up?) may allow
tweens and teens to open up enough to begin to reveal the painful areas of
their lives.