5 Tweens and Teens 133Friends are so important during the teen years. Their roles and purpose
can be underappreciated. In the interview, Marie spoke of how she and her
friend spent so much time together, whether in person—in or out of school—
or on the telephone. They laughed together, shared similar interests, points
of views, and experiences. They could disagree. Sometimes her friend served
as a shoulder to lean on, sometimes a shoulder on which to cry. Her friend
functioned as a reality check when they compared experiences, and some-
times her friend was her partner in testing limits, whether testing the limits of
their behavior or testing and extending the limits of their worlds beyond their
neighborhood. Their friendship functioned as a safe platform on which to share
experiences, experiment, learn, and practice life skills. They were helping each
other shape their lives and identities as they traveled toward young adulthood.
All of those roles and those identifications embodied for Marie in her
friend were instantly gone. The emotional connection in real time was gone.
The impact of the loss of a friend during the teen years cannot be underesti-
mated (Oltjenbruns, 1996; Servaty-Seib, 2009). To experience a friend’s death
during these years, and particularly a violent death, can be very destabilizing.
When friends die during the teen years, the special roles, purposes, and time
together go with them. It takes time for the surviving teen friend to grieve, to
mourn, and to work through restoring and restabilizing a differently config-
ured life without the presence of her friend.
Random and Unpredictable
That made me think I never know when... it will happen to another one of
my friends. (Marie)That it can go so fast... At any time. Like, just anything... (Heather)Heather and Marie were not unfamiliar with the violence in their neighbor-
hoods. Marie even said that she had known of people who had been killed,
though never anyone close to her. Even with such awareness, each girl seemed
to have a sense of safety in her immediate world of family, friends, and the
close environment. Each held a perspective that her immediate world was safe,
even with a real appreciation and awareness of the risk in their communities.
Their defenses allowed this precarious, contrasting, dual perspective to coexist.
This sudden, violent, and tragic loss of a friend, a peer, someone the
same age, however, tipped the scales. For Marie and Heather, this event
shattered that precarious balance that served as a protective defense against
the excessive stress of an immediate unsafe world. Their perception of their
immediate world as safe from harm was pierced, their comfort was dis-
turbed. Although not explicitly stated by either Marie or Heather, their own
safety was now threatened. Life became more unpredictable, random, and
not in their control.
To grieve the death of a peer and friend is to confront the sense of invinci-
bility theorized as typical for teenagers growing up in the United States (Elkind,
1967). This sense of invincibility allows teens to feel confident in themselves
and their worlds. This allows for “taking risks” and venturing forward try-
ing new things moving toward adulthood. It is optimal for teens to cope with