5 Tweens and Teens 135They also experience a loss of their assumptions that their immediate world is
safe and predictable.
Hard
I think that was one of the hardest times I’ve ever experienced. (Marie)Dying is so big. I mean it’s just a big thing. You’re never going to live again.
[becomes teary]... over something so small. (Heather)Marie characterizes the loss as hard, one of the hardest times she had experi-
enced. Whereas the word painful describes the emotions connected to this loss,
the word hard seems to have a broader scope. It seems descriptive of the work
entailed with the bereavement process toward healing. Heather’s words “so
big” capture the enormity of it all. Not only did Marie and Heather have to heal
from the emotional pain of the loss, but they also had to grieve and reconfig-
ure a life without their friend. They had to reconfigure assumptions about the
world that were more realistic. While typical grieving involves anxiety about
loss and separation and longing for connection, the cognitions of the violent
death may be graphic and disturbing. The anxiety from these cognitions may
encourage distancing from the associated grieving process. Complex emo-
tional and cognitive work has to occur to heal in the face of these colliding pro-
cesses. It is hard work for teens to heal, restabilize, and continue on with life.
Conclusion
Heather and Marie were resilient teenagers. It had been 1 year after Marie’s
friend was killed and 4 years after Heather’s friend was killed when I talked
with them. Neither teen had received professional intervention. At the time of
the interviews, both Marie and Heather were achieving in school, had school
friends, and were participating in school activities. They had friends outside of
school with whom they were involved in organized and more informal activi-
ties. They each had good relationships with their parents whom I met in the pro-
cess of getting parental permission for the girls’ participation in the project. They
both volunteered to talk with me about their experiences and were so open.
Both Heather and Marie describe a bereavement in which the grief, loss,
and overall mourning experience was hard. While the homicides of their
friends were tragic and traumatic, each described a bereavement process that,
by description, fell within an uncomplicated bereavement range. They did not
describe reactions that reflected posttraumatic symptoms or complex bereave-
ment. Of course the amount of time since the loss and their telling of their
experience might shape their descriptions.
Although Marie and Heather described an uncomplicated bereavement
process, the bereavement process was, nevertheless, very stressful. It involved
an “out-of-time,” violent death of a friend which, developmentally, is not usual
for the age. This stress taxes the typical stress anticipated for the adolescent life
phase.
The latest published data from the CDC indicate that homicide is the
leading cause of death for young African Americans in the 15- to 24-year age
range (CDC, 2010). With this high youth homicide rate for young African