6 Emerging Adults 169to breathe life into the room and try to help people see me as the charming,
smart guy they knew before, not the damaged guy whose dad killed himself.
I am just now recognizing these behaviors over the years. I could probably
write a manual on creative tactics of avoidance at this point.
But that chapter came to an end. Partly, it was out of exhaustion—I real-
ized it was hard to maintain a positive persona and to avoid “real” talk in adult
relationships. Additionally, I was struck with a thunderbolt of emotions when
I realized I had lived longer than my father had. I knew that I would have emo-
tional roller-coaster rides at a few key benchmarks in my life, if I were lucky
enough to reach them: mainly when I got engaged, married, had a child of
my own, and when that child turned 3 years old. I was not prepared for being
struck when I turned older than he lived. There was something akin to cross-
ing a finish line or going into a new frontier, one where his shadow would not
cast a dark spot on me or my journey ahead, but was truly part of my past as
I forged my own path.
If I could revisit my younger self and share some advice as I was navigat-
ing my adolescence, I would encourage myself to do things differently. I would
tell myself that you are not your father and his destiny will not be your own.
I would also encourage myself to separate the man from the act, appreciate
the man who gave me life and mourn the man who took his own. I would tell
myself to keep listening to my mom and loving her and to better appreciate all
she did to give me life, keep me alive, and nourish me throughout the years,
despite her own tragic, devastating loss. I would also tell myself to work harder
to soak in what she told me—even at 3—that my father’s death was not my
fault and that he loved me. Though I will never have the full answers or story,
I would tell myself that I should focus on developing my own story and path to
manhood and happiness. Lastly, if I am ever feeling sad or overwhelmed—then
or now—I need to pause and appreciate that I exist, I’m alive and I am feeling
emotions and these are glorious gifts that I should never take for granted.
When we are developing at such a rapid pace during our adolescence,
our minds and bodies are forming, and so is our understanding of who we are,
the world we are part of, and our place in it. So much of my understanding of
myself in my teens was about the story of my father and how I embraced the
truth—that he took his life. Though consistently difficult, I am much better off
for harnessing the truth of my experience and delving into my emotions and
how it affects me and how it affected others I care about, mainly my mom.
When I was a teen, I was contesting with all of the things we all deal with—
changing bodies, minds, and social mores—but I had a foundation of honesty
about my own experience and a deep-rooted sense of self-worth and tender-
ness. I learned to extend that empathy to not just others, but to myself.SUMMARY
Definition and understanding of the emerging adult stage of life is still evolv-
ing, yet it has resonated as economic circumstances have forced many emerging
adults to avoid committing to work, family, and other goals during the twenties