214 Grief and Loss Across the Lifespan
Similarly, the deaths of lesbian partners provoke stock-taking and reas-
sessment just as any other partner deaths. A bereaved lesbian partner (Lea)
reports:I’ve become softer, kinder, and a more introspective person than I
was. ... What I learned from my experience is that there are things
you can’t fix and I didn’t know that at the tender age of forty-six. I had
previously been called the fixer and that label is gone forever. (Walter,
2003, p.190)Despite increased fears about safety and health and/or being alone, many
bereaved spouses and partners use their more acute awareness of mortality in
a positive way (Walter, 2003, p. 190). The loss makes clear that they must be
responsible for their happiness. Studies demonstrate that those who remain
married continuously through late midlife have the best psychological well-
being, while those who become widowed early and do not remarry have the
most depressive symptoms (Hughes & Waite, 2009; Sasson & Umberson, 2009).
Because depressive symptoms diminished over time for the late- widowhood
group and remained high for women widowed earlier in life, spousal loss can
be seen to have implications for decades after the death (Sasson & Umberson,
2009). Unanticipated loss, common to early widowhood, may be part of the
challenge as it is related to complicated mourning.
Hughes & Waite (2009) found that never divorced, currently married
men and women had better health status than those who were currently
married but had experienced a marital loss, whether divorced or widowed.
Midlife adults who never married, as well as those who suffered marital loss,
had higher rates of chronic health conditions and mobility limitations. Adults
who did not remarry following a marital loss experienced worse health on all
dimensions—chronic conditions, self-rated health, mobility limitations, and
depressive symptoms (Hughes & Waite, 2009).
Although Jean (“Losing Jack”) vividly describes the depression and
heartache she suffered following the accidental death of her husband, she also
speaks of the comfort and help she found in belonging to a support group
for widows. Jean also felt comforted by the support network of friends who
helped her survive these difficult times. Coauthor (CA Walter) was widowed
during midlife and 22 years later vividly recalls that a widow/widowers’ sup-
port group was much more helpful than individual therapy, particularly dur-
ing the first year.Death of a Nonmarried Partner
Being widowed “carries with it a certain status that is recognized by the larger
community” (Doka, 2002). When nonmarried partners die, there is no similar
transitional role assigned. Little sympathy is extended for the emotional reac-
tions of unmarried partners and their grief often goes unrecognized. Walter’s
research (2003) provides documentation of this experience. Laura was 40 when
her partner, Jake, died of cancer at 46.I was just constantly reminded that I had no worldly tie to this person
other than the fact that I had lived with him and taken care of him and