252 Grief and Loss Across the Lifespan
the finish line. Everyone asked what I would do in retirement and my answer
always was “The first thing I will do is take care of myself.”
The first 2 months of retirement were summer, a time I traditionally used
for unwinding every year. I read books, spent time at the beach, did yoga, saw
friends, began to declutter my house, and took on some new tasks with the
organizations with which I was connected. As September rolled around I began
to feel the reality set in. I was free. I felt the layers of stress and anxiety slip
away. A friend I hadn’t seen for several months wrote to me after seeing me. “I
was aware more than ever, of the warm heartfelt energy you exude.” It made
me realize that part of retirement was going to be refinding some of that energy
that had been sapped by the stressors of work and life. Having choices and time
seemed like the first step to keeping my promise to take care of myself.
But, I learned retirement is not a destination. It is a journey. And as with
any journey you see a lot, learn a lot, and sometimes get off at the wrong sta-
tion and can’t figure out how to get back on track. And that is where staying
calm and carrying on really came in handy.
Time has a new meaning. There was a structure to work that no longer
exists. I live by lists and my I-calendar. Some of the details of the lists are
comical and any one page looks so random. But, life is more random and less
focused because that central core of career is gone. Some days get over booked;
some get double booked, and sometimes it feels like there are too many open
spots. And some tasks that seem so important begin to become oppressive. An
idea like moving from the too-big house you raised your family in begins to
morph into a huge project and lots more lists. Looking for a new place, figur-
ing what you and your spouse each need, cleaning out the clutter of 30 years
in a home, parting with all those memories. And that’s when you need to reas-
sess and realize you are no longer on a schedule. You can slow down and take
the steps when you and your partner feel ready.
There are so many choices. People in the organizations you care about
recognize that there is someone new to ask to chair a committee or plan a
program. I have learned the hard way to say yes only to what I really want to
try and to say no when I don’t—even when they keep pressuring. There are
things to do that are rewarding, things that are difficult, things that are fun,
and things that feel downright decadent. There is the inner voice that judges
the choices and which sometimes needs some reprogramming to say it is okay
to do or not do something. But, it is all about seeking the balance. And that
remains a work in progress a year later. And I sense it will remain that way.
Constantly sorting and resorting priorities, as life needs rebalancing.
It takes work to accept that I do not have as much control as I had in my
career. Every day at work I instinctively knew what was needed, and what had
to be done and I approached it confidently. I would work on something from
beginning to end. I knew the obstacles and how to finesse them. Now, I am often
part of a committee and don’t own the outcome, or find myself working on
something I have never done before. When it is not familiar I have to recognize
when I am out of my comfort zone and be accepting of the learning curve. Now,
the obstacles can be unpredictable and the solutions, at times, surprising.
For so many years I could measure my success through the trials and tribu-
lations at work, confident I was making a difference. There is a clean slate now.
There is no formula to apply to find the right balance of service, learning, creativity,