10 Older Adults 265find comfort through helping other recently bereaved persons while others
feel gratified by assisting survivors with more instrumental challenges, such as
helping with home repairs, car maintenance, or paying bills. Some find mean-
ing through tissue or organ donation (Hogan, Coolican, & Schmidt, 2013).
Still others focus on finding “benefit” instead of finding meaning, espe-
cially if their loved one’s death was violent, untimely, or random (Davis &
Nolen-Hoeksema, 2001). Finding benefit involves finding personal value or
significance in the event and developing new strengths as a result (Coleman
& Neimeyer, 2010). Those who find benefit often grow stronger, more
self-confident, and feel more compassion for others than they did before the
loss. Hogan and Schmidt (2002) assert that when the bereaved talk with other
people, they find relief from their emotional pain. Kim (2009) argues that mere
discussion is insufficient and that it is necessary to use the conversation to
understand one’s thoughts about the loss, make meaning, or find benefit.
People can be positively transformed by their loss and over time survivors
develop more optimism, feel less emotional pain, and reconstruct more mean-
ingful identities and purposeful lives. They also become more compassionate
and tolerant of others’ emotional struggles. Similarly to the dual process model
(Stroebe & Schut, 1999, 2010), Hogan and Schmidt (2002) believe that bereaved
people oscillate between yearning for the lost person and experiencing intrusive
thoughts about the deceased, and trying to avoid reminders. We suspect that this
oscillation allows widows and widowers to make meaning of the relationship
they had with the deceased, identify the lessons they have learned from their
loss, and work to create continuing bonds with the deceased.
The loss of a life partner involves the loss of oneself and the need to recon-
struct one’s identity. Reconstructing one’s identity as a widow or widower and
learning to be independent in the face of a disrupted everyday life is an essential
aspect of mourning after spousal death (Naef, Ward, Mahrer-Imhof, & Grande,
2013). Research with older widows (Montpetit & Bergeman, 2010) suggests that
one’s self-concept undergoes a structural reorganization following spousal loss.
The degree to which a woman defined herself as a married woman whose pri-
mary skills were domestic correlated with a greater sense of disruption after a
spousal death and more need for revising one’s self-concept. Having other sup-
portive relationships and feeling capable of independent functioning allowed
new positive self-constructs to develop (Montpetit & Bergeman, 2010).
Consistent with Klass, Silverman, and Nickman (1996) thesis about con-
tinuing bonds, Naef et al. (2013) found that widows found comfort in con-
tinuing their relationship with their lost partner via conversations, sensing of
presence, memories, dreams, and taking on an activity of the deceased. Yearning
was often found when the relationship with the deceased had been good and
was not changed by levels of social support (Stroebe, Abakoumkin, & Stroebe,
2010). Troyer (2014) also found that continuing connections seemed to bene-
fit the bereaved and that for most widows and widowers, a postbereavement
experience (sense of presence, and seeing or hearing the deceased) was comfort-
ing. Holland, Thompson, Rozalski, and Lichtenthal (2014) found that periodi-
cally reassessing any bereavement-related regrets helps the widow or widower
maintain the continued relationship with the deceased in a positive manner.
Some older bereaved spouses have great difficulty managing their per-
sonal lives for several years and some remain socially active, independent,