266 Grief and Loss Across the Lifespan
and motivated to make the best of the situation. Older adults vary in their
emotional reactions to grief; many feel angry, guilty, and lonely (at least for
a time), while others cope with a return to activities and relationships fairly
rapidly. Flora and George (from our first edition) illustrate this diversity. Flora
was 89 when her spouse of 60 years, Jim, died of heart failure at 87. One month
later, their 39-year-old son died. Flora focused on the loss of Jim (Walter, 2003)
rather than her son and expressed frustration that Jim had been a very “into
himself person.” Flora believed that her ability to be angry at Jim after his
death contributed to her well-being as a widow. Flora gradually was able to
balance both the positive and negative aspects of her relationship with Jim,
and although she felt her anger about being shut out of some of Jim’s life, she
also felt pleasure that he was proud of her for her professional accomplish-
ments. Although Flora believed that she lost a part of herself with Jim’s death,
she also found a new part of herself as she built upon her ability to be more
outgoing. Flora’s story demonstrates how one might develop a sense of integ-
rity and wholeness after a spousal death.
George and Barbara (also mentioned in our first edition) were married
52 years and he was devastated by her death when he was 78. Even 4 years
after her death, he was still very lonely and found himself crying some of the
time. George started to socialize with a few women friends after about 4 years
and said he feels better each year, but he does not like to discuss Barbara’s
death and cries only with his adult children. These differences in reaction could
be attributed to gender or to the different reactions among the elderly around
spousal loss. The adjustments after the death of a spouse relate strongly to the
relationship they shared and coping, while idiosyncratic, nearly always chal-
lenges a widow or widower after a long-term marriage.
Nonmarried couples are increasingly common among older adults.
Walter (2003) described some of the issues with Barry and Julie’s relationship.
Both partners had been widowed for about 3 years and met at a dance for wid-
ows and widowers. Following Julie’s death, Barry was devastated but glad
that he was with her when she died. Barry had to negotiate with Julie’s daugh-
ters about the funeral arrangements because he felt strongly that he knew
what Julie would have wanted. Later, he took both a computer class and also a
sewing class to stay entertained and to learn new skills. Barry’s involvement in
organizing Julie’s funeral is an example of “loss oriented-coping” as described
by Stroebe and Schut (1999, 2010), while in his computer and sewing class he
used “restoration orientation” to adapt to his new life.
Research indicates that during both early and late phases of the bereave-
ment process, restoration oriented coping is more helpful to both widows and
widowers (Carr, 2010; Richardson, 2010). When surviving partners learn new
tasks that their deceased partners previously performed, the surviving partner
can feel more empowered and independent. A stressor specific to nonmarried
partners is that they may need to learn these new skills without much recognition
by others that they had a partner who was able to fulfill those tasks in the past.
Shear (2010) asserts that the oscillation of the dual process model may
be more about acknowledging grief and avoiding grief than about focusing
on loss or restoration, and she reminds us that there are times when restora-
tion orientation can be as anxiety-provoking as grief. She suggests that some
avoidance of negative emotions can be adaptive, but that avoidance can lead