294 Grief and Loss Across the Lifespan
restoration and to guide those who focus only on the future to consider some
of the events, feelings, and thoughts of the past before and during the loss.Importance of Continuing Bonds
Continuing Bonds by Klass, Silver, and Nickman (1996) was a landmark con-
tribution to grief theory. They clearly defined continuing the relationship
with the deceased as a principal component of grief work, effectively chal-
lenging the idea that disengaging from the lost loved one was the function
of grief and mourning. In fact, Klass et al. (1996) view continuing bonds
as a resource to enrich functioning in the present and future. Unlike older
Freudian conceptualizations of grieving, their understanding posits no
zero-sum game with regard to the emotional energy available for invest-
ment; the bereaved can invest in new relationships while still grieving.
Derived from this is the helpful idea that the relationship with the deceased
changes over time; the deceased may actually be viewed as helping to
support the bereaved in building new relationships. This is comforting to
many bereaved adults who previously thought they had to “let go” of one
relationship prior to forming a new one. As with many other findings, the
importance of continuing bonds challenges the necessity of “closure” in the
experience of grief.
Unlike death losses where the continuing bond can be enhanced with
linking objects (Volkan, 1985) and other memories, parents who lose a poten-
tial baby prior to birth are stymied in maintaining and continuing their rela-
tionship. They fear that others will not recognize their loss of one relationship
when another (a new pregnancy and healthy baby) comes along. They often
need help affirming the ongoing relationship to the baby they dreamed of hav-
ing (and lost) and differentiating it from a new pregnancy and/or baby. Here,
work with a bereaved couple is enhanced by acknowledging the continuing
bond and differentiating it from any new pregnancy. This allows the couple to
fully embrace the new relationship.
As described in the chapter on Tweens and Teens, the practice of continu-
ing bonds is also challenging in the loss of a relationship. When a love rela-
tionship ends, the person experiencing the loss often wishes to maintain the
relationship with little change. Part of the work of acknowledging a loss is the
transition into a new type of relationship that reflects the change in the bond.
Thus, the continued bond is one of memory rather than on-going relationship
with the ex-lover. The changed nature of the bond is the basis for the continu-
ing bond. Foster children struggle somewhat similarly with continuing bonds
with birth families and foster families; they must determine what bonds with
family of origin can safely be maintained and which must end with a revised
bond. In Chapter 7, Shdaimah shows how women leaving prostitution may
feel a continuing bond with the work they used to do and how they may hold
on to that bond by helping others leave prostitution or by maintaining connec-
tions with the staff who helped them quit. The bonds are transformed, but the
“lost” entity is not forgotten.
As people move through reinvention, they may also maintain continued
bonds with their former professions, work colleagues, and work sites. Yet,