12 Grief and Loss Across the Lifespan
connection with a death loss. Indeed, Volkan (1985) developed “re-grief ther-
apy” as an intervention for those viewed as pathologically bereaved. His useful
concept of a linking object, an object that reminds the mourner of the lost one,
is used within a therapy designed to cut through any “denial” that may remain:Throughout treatment, patients experience a variety of emotions as
they gain insight into their inability to let the dead person die.... The
use of the linking object brings about special emotional storms that are
not curative without interpretation that engages the close scrutiny of
the patient’s observing ego. (Volkan, 1985, pp. 289–290).This assertive confrontation of denial has become one of the suspect inter-
ventions associated with early grief work counseling. The fact that denial is
viewed as a stage to break through, rather than as the protective adjustment
time that Kübler-Ross described, reveals one of the difficulties of stage the-
ories more generally. Both the bereaved and less reflective practitioners can
view these models as a recipe, an intervention plan to be broadly applied. This
assumes a one-size-fits-all quality to mourning. It also implies that knowledge
of the stages or phases can allow one to move more quickly through them—a
fallacy with major implications.
Kübler-Ross’s model of moving from protective denial to a state of anger
and irritation (in her study, often directed at caregivers) is usually viewed as a
one-way journey. It is portrayed as if an individual, once in touch with the real-
ity of their loss, will now become angry (either at the lost loved one or at others),
and will then move into a bargaining stage. Clinical work with bereaved indi-
viduals shows that anger and irritation flare throughout bereavement. Further,
the bargaining that was so intuitive with the terminally ill patients Kübler-Ross
interviewed (e.g., if I make amends to everyone I have wronged, I will get well/
improve) seems less applicable to the bereaved. Once aware of the loss, par-
ticularly a death loss, there is little that the bereaved has to bargain for as they
are aware that the loved one is, according to the resolution of the denial stage,
already dead. Yet grief work counselors sometimes believe that expressions of
bargaining are necessary before a client can move into the depressive states so
characteristic of grief. Once a bereaved individual moves into expressions of
sadness, tearfulness, and depressed activity, their family and friends (as well as
professionals) then recognize this stage as classic grief and mourning.
The bereaved individual may fluctuate among the various stages and
“acceptance” comes gradually (most often), not in one delineated event. The
stages imply a progressive, linear movement through the stages (characteris-
tic of theories of the “modern” era) rather than the back and forth movement
seen most commonly among the bereaved. It is notable that “acceptance” for
Kübler-Ross’ population has a very different quality than that of the accep-
tance of loss by a bereaved person. For Kübler-Ross:Acceptance should not be mistaken for a happy stage. It is almost void
of feelings. It is as if the pain had gone, the struggle is over, and there
comes a time for “the final rest before the long journey” as one patient
phrased it. This is also the time during which the family needs usually