52 Grief and Loss Across the Lifespan
assistant in the room. “Baby A is... by... (size).” I felt a sigh of relief. He then
said, “Baby B is.... by.. .” I thought “Wow, there are twins!” He then said
“Baby C is... by... .” I thought “Oh my God, there are triplets!” I was scared
and overwhelmed, but still there was a feeling of excitement. He then said
“Baby D is... by... .” I then felt scared, the excitement faded and the fear took
over. I remember saying, “Are there any more?” The tech responded “No,”
and left the room to get the RE.
When she entered the room, she took control of the ultrasound machine
and looked at the babies. She immediately started talking to me about selec-
tive reduction. Selective reduction was something I truly had never thought
about. She spoke so frankly about our children and the need to reduce to twins
due to health concerns for me and the babies. I honestly did not know what
to think. I was so overwhelmed and scared. Rey and I left that appointment
scared and very confused. I had another ultrasound scheduled in a week with
the RE. During that week, Rey and I talked a lot about what to do. We got a lot
of unsolicited advice from family, we researched the outcomes of quad preg-
nancies for both the mother and the children. Rey believed reducing was best,
but was willing to do what I wanted. I was not sure what to do.
The RE had suggested that one or two of the babies may naturally stop
developing. The thought of wishing for that to happen seemed inconceivable
after waiting so long to get pregnant. The guilt of wishing for that was terrible,
the guilt related to thinking about reducing was even worse, and the thought
of carrying and having all four was frightening. It seemed like an impossible
situation.
As we went to the next ultrasound, I remember feeling as if there were
more than the original four. We entered the ultrasound room again, with the
same tech. This time I just laid still and waited for him to start talking to the
assistant. He started with Baby A, followed by Baby B, then C, D, E, F, and G.
I just laid there in disbelief, but not complete shock. I had prepared myself that
there could be more, and I really had felt there were more. The RE entered the
room once again and immediately gave us the name of a selective reduction
specialist who she would recommend. At this point, it was not even an option
in her mind. I have to say, following that appointment I do not think there
was an option in our minds either. I did Google septuplet births and found
one family that had successfully delivered all of the babies. The risk to me
and the babies seemed too high and we began to research selective reduction
and specialists. This was a terrible time for me. I did not know what to do.
I felt like I did not want to connect with any of the babies knowing that I was
planning to reduce five of them. Even though we had quasi made the decision
to have the reduction, the thought of going through with this seemed incon-
ceivable. How do I save two of them and kill five of them? How do the doc-
tors choose? This thought just haunted me. It did not seem fair to the babies.
I wished I wasn’t pregnant.
I thought of all of the options. Option 1, have all of them. Rey was
afraid that I would not survive and that the babies would have medical
and developmental delays. Option 2, have the reduction and have a set of
“twins.” This just seemed so unfair to me. In my mind, they were all my
children and I viewed them as siblings who deserved to be together. The
thought of sacrificing five of them to save two seemed utterly unfair to me.