“It felt noisier than playing the radio at full volume—
not because there was talking, but because the voice
inside my head incessantly narrated everything.”silence for the next 10 days. Eye contact
is not allowed once you start the
retreat, so this was my only chance to
get a good look at my fellow
meditators before we began.
The next morning, the wakeup bell
rang at 4 a.m. I slipped into my cosiest
sweatpants and stumbled in the dark
toward the meditation hall. As the
morning practice began, I started to
feel anxious. My body temperature
rose, and small beads of sweat began
to pour down my face. I slipped my
sweater off. When the heat continued,
I tied my hair back. As my anxiety
lifted to a peak, I opened my eyes and
fainted headfi rst into the meditation
cushion of the woman perched in front
of me. I have no idea how long I was
out. I opened my eyes, sat back up,
took a breath, and felt like I had left
my body. This vipassana retreat was
starting out with a bang.
Though it’s called a “silent retreat,”
it felt noisier than playing the radio at
full volume—not because there was
talking, but because the voice inside
my head incessantly narrated
everything. I listened to my breath
move in and out. I listened to
coughing, sniffl ing, throat-clearing,
and a bevy of other bodily noises come
and go. I was mindful of my
judgments, fears, and physical pains
rising and falling away again and
again. It was tedious. It felt like work.
Then, on day three, something
magical happened: My body—and
mind—became still. While my
physical discomfort from all of the
sitting was still there, it stopped
defi ning my moment-to-moment
experience, and my mental hall
monitor faded away.
This retreat woke me up in ways my
yoga practice and training never have.
I awakened to a voice inside my head
that was self-critical and painful to
listen to, and I loved that part of myself
into healing. I heard the loving voices
of my teachers whispering, “May this
serve to open your heart; This too is
practice; You can do hard things; This
too will change; Nothing goes away
until it teaches you what you need to
learn.” And I kept sitting, ultimately
having the incredible experience of
the pain not being “mine” anymore.
Sure, I felt it in my body, but I
learned to un-identify with the pain.
I fell into a space of trust that I was
OK; that the pain could be there,
and I could be separate from it.
In navigating the restlessness,
fear, self-criticism, and pain I
experienced on this retreat, I
awakened to the true meaning of
yoga and a profound new depth of
presence, love, and acceptance that
will stay with me forever.AT A GLANCE
WHERE YOU CAN TRY IT
Vipassana meditation is commonly
taught during 10-day, silent retreats
with instruction on mindfulness and
alternating periods of sitting and
walking meditation.FOR MORE ON THE HISTORY
OF VIPASSANA
dhamma.org CENTRES TO CONSIDER
Vipassana Meditation Centre
Australian School of
Meditation and Yoga
Amrit Silent RetreatsWith MINDBODY, all the
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1800.082.989Lauren Eckstrom is a yoga and meditation
teacher in Los Angeles and co-author of
the book Holistic Yoga Flow: The Path
of Practice. She leads Holistic Yoga Flow
workshops, retreats, and teacher trainings,
with her husband, yoga teacher Travis
Eliot, with whom she co-created Yoga 30
for 30—a 30-day online yoga program of
half-hour daily practices. Learn more at
laureneckstrom.com.