The Times - UK (2022-04-30)

the times Saturday April 30 2022

6 Body + Soul

but to agitate just a little so that the

parents will work harder to see who

that teen is trying to be.”

Respect that they are

easily embarrassed

Teenagers become painfully concerned

about how other people see them —

and are easily mortified. Apter says part

of not knowing who they are yet leads

adolescents to develop a “looking-glass

self” where they rely on friends and

peers to tell them what they look like.

Any awareness that others might be

regarding them critically is excruciating.

“The teen brain processes social events

very differently from the way a child

or a grown-up does. Social interactions

are much more charged and take a lot

more emotional and mental energy,”

Apter says.

So if they say, “Everyone thinks I’m a

loser,” don’t minimise their worries by

saying, “Don’t be silly,” but push that

broader perspective: “Is it likely that

everyone thought the same thing?”

Gently invite them to elaborate, and be

patient. If the negative comments are on

social media, Apter says, you might tell

your teen that these people don’t really

know you and encourage connection

with a real, loyal friend. “They will

probably have one or two friends who

respond to them positively, and that

can rejig the balance.”

Fear of looking uncool

makes them take risks

Sensitivity to how others perceive them

also partly drives risky behaviour. Brain

imagery shows that for teens physical

danger is less frightening than the

terror of self-consciousness and looking

uncool. So to the question

“If your friends jumped off a

bridge, would you jump off

too?”, the answer is likely to

be yes — even if they’re

normally sensitive, intelligent,

cautious and reflective, says

Apter. “Embarrassment is just

overwhelming in a teen’s

mind. That’s linked to some of

the risks they take. The

rewards of belonging in that

group are paramount.” Plus,

their baseline level of the

feelgood hormone dopamine

is lower than an adult’s, so

they have fewer moderate “oh

this is nice” feelings in a day.

So when novelty and

excitement release dopamine

the kick is greater.

Don’t criticise their

friends but offer

subtle guidance

Even if their brain chemistry is

more of a bad influence than

You don’t understand me! How

The psychologist Dr Terri Apter is

publishing her tenth book on families.

Here’s what parents need to know

I

f you’re a parent of teenagers it’s

likely that you sometimes

struggle to understand the way

their brains work and find it hard to

be close to them without annoying

or misunderstanding them. It’s good

news, then, that Dr Terri Apter, a

leading psychologist and expert on the

subject, has written a brilliant book,

The Teen Interpreter: A Guide to the

Challenges and Joys of Raising

Adolescents, that unlocks the baffling

mysteries of the adolescent mind.

Apter, a retired fellow of Newnham

College, Cambridge, has written nine

other internationally acclaimed books

on family dynamics, identity and

relationships, based on three decades of

academic study and research working

with teenagers and their parents. Here

she offers practical advice to understand

what is really going on with your teen.

Don’t give constant praise

It’s helpful for teenagers to see

intelligence and talent not as innate but

as traits that are developed through

effort and persistence. So when they

doubt themselves — which they do

a lot — telling them they’re so clever or

wonderful is counterproductive. It

doesn’t ring true for them and doesn’t

build confidence. Apter explains:

“For a parent to say ‘you’re brilliant’ or

‘everything’s fine’ and ‘you did OK’ is

inconsistent with their experience.” It

can also persuade them that any failure

is unacceptable to you. She reckons they

think, “It’s shameful, I can’t admit it.

There’s no room in this relationship for

me to say, ‘I really have messed up’.”

Much more helpful is to listen and

accept how they feel, acknowledge if

they have made a mistake and say: “How

do you think you can prevent it from

happening again?” One way of helping

teens not get stuck in ruminating on

self-blame and negative thoughts about

themselves is to say: “Who else has

done something like this? Have they

survived?” You might also ask: “Do you

think everyone saw it in that negative

way?” Then, Apter says, “you’re prodding

the teen to take a broader view”.

They want your approval

(but not about what

they’re wearing)

Your teenager wants you to understand

what they’re going through and who

they are now, and that they’re no

longer a child. Your approval matters.

However, if they respond coolly to your

compliment about how great they look

in that top, it’s because they’re dressing

not to please you. They care what you

think. And so their outfit is meant

to remind you they’re no longer quite

who you think they are. “The teen is

aiming for something distinctive, a little

bit jarring — aiming at what I call an

‘identity reminder’,” Apter says. “They

don’t want to rebel against their parents

your breath roaring at them. They’re

so sensitive to heated emotions that if

you raise your voice it blocks out

everything else. They can only focus on

your anger, not the logic or information.

“All they hear is the shout,” Apter says.

Grounding them can seem like a rational

punishment. But the carrot is more

effective than the stick. “Teens are much

more alert and ready to embrace a

reward than they are to forgo a risk,” she

says. So you might remind them of what

happened and the consequences, and

say: “How can you begin to show me

that you can manage this?” You’re

helping them to envision a better future,

and relieving them of the horrible sense

of “I’ve done something wrong and

I’m just here being humiliated”, Apter

explains. “It will also trigger that

capacity to reflect and learn.”

A little social anxiety is

good for them

Never wanting our teen to feel belittled

by others, we insist that they shouldn’t

their friends, we can still offer

indirect guidance. If we’re

concerned that a friend has too

much power, Apter suggests asking,

“Does Joe change his plans for you

like you do for him?” or “Are you

able to say no to Mia’s requests or

suggestions?” Better to subtly

prompt them to reflect than

lecture or interrogate. Also

effective is getting to know their

friends. “Try to greet the friend

when they’re at your house. Just

‘hello’ and ‘how are you?’ are

about the best things you can do,”

Apter says. “It makes your

presence salient, and it doesn’t

position them as an outsider.

You’re making sure you’re

included in their awareness of

their environment.”

If you want them to

learn, don’t shout

How to discipline a teenager if

they’ve misbehaved? Don’t waste

t i c m “ l a s p l e f w ‘ a A p p Y i t I l H t

Dr Terri Apter