The Times - UK (2022-04-30)

the times Saturday April 30 2022

Body + Soul 7

care what other people think. It cuts

no ice, because they care deeply. The

good news is, this inclination ultimately

benefits them as it helps them to develop

empathy and the essential skill of

grasping what others are feeling. Apter

says: “They’re seeing that other people

have their own views and feelings, and

they’re now aware of the complexity of

this and of what they don’t know.

This can cause a lot of social anxiety, but

it’s a really important step in learning

about our interpersonal world.”

Parents can help by encouraging

them to distinguish between friends

who support them and those who make

them feel awful — helping them to

recognise whose opinion matters and

whose doesn’t.

Gossip makes 14 a tricky

age for girls’ friendships

Talking with friends brings teenagers

comfort, validation and support. And

they love gossip, because telling stories

about what’s real versus what’s presented

Brain imagery

shows that for

teens physical

danger is less

frightening

than looking

uncool

can help them to process, understand

and feel reassured about their own

experience and emerging identity. But

for girls around the age of 14, through

mischief, wanting to bond or to distance

themselves from an insecurity they

might share, telling a friend’s secret is

easily done — and can lead to teasing or

worse. “When you go from ‘you

understand, we’re the same’, which is the

centre of girls’ friendships, to the

opposite — ‘she has this problem’ — that

feels like a real betrayal,” Apter says.

If your teen is gossiping, remind her

about how careful we should be about

the stories we tell about other people,

Apter says. “It is difficult but important

to be fair if you want to be a trusted

friend. It is also helpful if you show

sympathy for your teen’s urge to spill the

beans or share information, particularly

if she is worried about a friend.”

And what if the gossip is about your

daughter? It’s acutely painful. Even if

what’s said isn’t terrible, the notion that

a confidence to a friend is now public

feels shameful to a teen. Apter advises

hugging your child if they’ll find that

comforting. Then you might talk about

how when tales are retold it often

distorts them into something they’re not.

“Look for examples in the news, on

social media or just within the family,”

says Apter. “Getting a stable view of

your own story, while being open

to revision, is a hugely important skill.”

The ‘guy code’ means

16 and 17 is a rocky time

for boys

It’s a myth that boys don’t form close

friendships and younger teens may

comfortably admit that they love each

other. But that changes around 16 or 17,

when emotional intimacy is crushed by a

pressure — Apter calls it the “guy code”

— not to betray any so-called weakness

or dependence, or talk about your

feelings. She says: “It’s a chill, which

I think they experience as a betrayal.”

We can help by being available in their

darker moods. That means not fixing or

denying how they feel. Distraction can

be helpful, but “you also need to stay

with the emotion. Showing curiosity

about it assures the teen that they’re not

wrong to feel unhappy, and that these

necessary negative feelings aren’t

shameful.” In being warm and accepting

we help them tolerate difficult emotions

— just as when they were little. It offers

“near-magical comfort”.

Pleasure: the sex talk you

should always have

Some teenagers don’t recognise the steps

that lead to sex. They often think there’ll

be more steps, and don’t realise how

close they are to intercourse until it’s too

late, Apter says. “Many girls, in the

moment, are not able to find the words

to say stop.” Frequently — in a

disturbing dynamic — both may end up

prioritising the boy’s pleasure. Sex is

about pleasure for both, and all teens

need to know this. This should be

part of your conversation about consent.

We can help protect our teen by

improving their capacity to decide

whether to have sex — by talking to

them about the physical and emotional

pleasure it should provide. “Talking to

girls about sex as a pleasurable activity

that they should only want because they

want it means they have sex later,” Apter

says. They are also far less likely to say

sex “just happened”. They’re less likely

to submit to pressure, or exert it, because

they understand that it isn’t only one

person’s desire that matters. She says:

“They’re more likely to be confident

about saying, ‘No, I don’t want it.’ ”

Dissecting heartbreak can

help teens to recover

Parents often don’t take teen romance —

and break-ups — seriously enough.

Girls experience terrible heartbreak yet

tend to be less vulnerable than boys in

the wake of a relationship split in their

teens. Why? It’s likely that they’ve

already experienced a painful friendship

split, leant on friends and learnt they

can survive it. Boys, however, struggle

because they’re less practised in

relationship dramas and less able to lean

on friends. Often their girlfriend has

been a “co-regulator” — helping them to

manage their difficult feelings, says

Apter, and they can feel utterly lost and

resort to drinking or self-harm.

We can help our son or daughter by

talking about “emotional granularity” or

how layered feelings are. “Some parents

worry that by talking about those

negative feelings they’ll be crystallising

them. In fact you’re helping the teen

manage them,” she says. So it’s helping

him to express that he feels sad, because

he won’t see her any more, but also

humiliated, because she doesn’t want to

see him. That he also feels angry because

of how it ended. “Naming complex

emotions seems to trigger the prefrontal

cortex, and so you get better at

regulating these awful feelings and

withstanding them.” It helps their

brain to become more integrated and

efficient. “They’re able to think about

and enjoy other things.”

Let them be outspoken

We need to promote our teenagers’

personal courage, confidence and ability

to stand up for what they believe in.

That means letting them be outspoken

at home. “If you’re allowing teens to

speak their mind within the family

you’re giving them the message that

‘you have a right to your views and own

thoughts, and you are going to be

accepted even if you differ from us’.

You’re giving them a sense of pride,”

says Apter.

And, importantly, in an intolerant

world “you are setting an example of

tolerance”, she adds. “It would be great if

our teens grew up to be more tolerant

and less fearful adults than we often are.”

And if they don’t tolerate your views on

certain issues? “If the parent can say,

‘OK, you don’t want to talk about this —

why not? If I believe something you find

abhorrent, tell me why you do,’ it’s an

opportunity for a conversation. It’s

not an easy conversation but it is an

important one.”

The Teen Interpreter: A Guide to the

Challenges and Joys of Raising

Adolescents by Terri Apter is published

on May 13 by WW Norton at £19.99

to talk to your teenager

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Compiled by

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