The Times Magazine 5ello, and welcome to
the latest episode of my
ongoing series, “Men
Tell Me I Am Wrong”.
Obviously I am not
the only holder of the
franchise. Most women
at various points will
have starred in their own
special episode: perhaps being told what to
wear, how to do their job or how to think
about a certain book they have read and loved
and which the gentleman in question, it turns
out, has “only skimmed – but I got the gist”.
This week’s episode centres on a tweet
in which I exclaimed how impossibly fine
Paul McCartney was in 1969. I’d just watched
the Peter Jackson Get Back documentary
for the third time and my heart could no
longer contain all the feelings I had for Paul.
He’s in the studio step-parenting Heather!
Managing the kinetic turmoil of both John
Lennon and George Harrison with an
emotional maturity one would not expect
from a 26-year-old rock star! Keeping the
Beatles together with a combination of sunny
playfulness and a work velocity that makes
most Victorian factories look like a slumber
party! Plus, the tank tops. Amazing.
Accordingly, I tweeted, “How long until
technology allows all the women who want to
have sex with Paul McCartney in 1969 to have
sex with Paul McCartney in 1969? Because
I don’t see eg: Elon Musk addressing this with
the consumer urgency it deserves.”
Yes, I asked when Paul McCartney 1969 sex
robots were going to be invented. I went there.
I don’t see that as a particularly audacious ask:
men have had vibrating robot vaginas and
stolen nudes of Jennifer Lawrence for years. I’m
not asking for parity. Just one Macca sex robot.
However, this tweet seems to have greatly
angered men. My timeline turned into a
peevish soup of replies along the lines of, “Is
this creepy?”, and, “You’d be furious if men
were talking about female celebrities like this.”
OK, a couple of facts. First of all, and I don’t
want to shock you: MEN ARE TALKING
ABOUT WOMEN LIKE THIS. ALL THE
TIME. I beg you read the internet or pop into
any “locker room”.
Second, it is – obviously – different when
women talk about their crushes. Take a quick
glance at the rape statistics and you’ll note
that, as a gender, women don’t have a trackH
CAITLIN MORAN
I’m allowed to letch after Paul McCartney
It’s not creepy when women talk about their crushes. Here’s why
ROBERT WILSON
record of turning their sexual feelings into
criminal behaviour. So the context is so
entirely different as to be absurd. There is little
to no physical threat in a middle-aged woman
objectifying a wholly imaginary future sex
robot. Just in case that was in doubt.
But the primary thing I want to address is
the idea that women talking on social media
about the men they fancy is in some way
“creepy” or “wrong”. It’s not. Do you know
what it is? It’s necessary. It’s useful. It’s
educational. And do you know who all this
discussion about hot men really helps? Men.
I’ve spent the past few months reading what
we might term “masculine self-help books”.
Neil Strauss’s The Game, Jordan B Peterson’s
12 Rules for Life. A recurring complaint from
“nice” men is that they are often “friend-zoned”
by women in favour of “bad boys”. I admit
this is one of my sex’s greatest problems: great
swathes of us are unthinkingly attracted to
confused yet beautiful idiots in leather trousers
with commitment issues and tattoos. Nice
men – normal, kind, “unexciting”, dependable- are quite right to be angry about these other
men’s popularity on the sexual stock exchange
compared with their own.
But what do I see when I look at women
on social media talking about the kind of men
they have crushes on? I see thousands of
women doing the good, sisterly work of boldly
objectifying exactly the kind of men who
aren’t “traditionally” fancied. Do you know
who invented the concept of “dad bod”?
Women. Who came up with the currently
trending #shortkingspring – celebrating
men who are, well, not tall? Women. Women
are out there talking about their crushes on
eg: tiny Tom Holland, Gareth Southgate,
Professor Brian Cox, Barack Obama, David
Attenborough, Money Saving Expert Paul
Lewis, Ed Balls, Gilbert from Anne of Green
Gables and John Goodman in Roseanne.
In these always humorous discussions
they are basically coaching younger, deluded
women into rethinking what is actually
attractive in a man: kindness, leadership,
intelligence, a social conscience, top parenting
skills, good vibes and/or being bright, woman-
loving, liberal, hard-working, tank-top wearing,
prime husband material Paul McCartney in
- So, men, do not interrupt women busy
with this important work! We are not Being
Wrong! We are making the world a better
place – one pervy exclamation at a time. n
Men have had stolen
nudes of Jennifer
Lawrence for years.
I’m not asking for
parity. Just one
Macca sex robot