The Guardian | 30.04.22 | SATURDAY | 81The defence
Jim
After work I need to switch
off , but I only play after I’ve
made dinner and helped
our son with homework
I have to admit, I do love playing my
video games. They require zero
concentration, are lots of fun and I
don’t have to communicate with
anyone. After a day of work, I need to
switch off. When I watch a fi lm with
Marlene, she wants to talk every two
seconds about what’s happening, or
who the main character is. When she
watches her soaps there’s also a lot of
commentary too – that’s why I don’t
really enjoy it. Playing games is a
solitary aff air, and I like that.
Marlene has her way of switching
off and I have mine. What’s the issue?
And our son likes to get involved with
my games now, too. I think Marlene
envies the fact that we are both really
into gaming. I enjoy spending time
with him while we play. Marlene could
always ask me to teach her how to play,
too , then we could do it together. I’d be
more than happy to get her involved.
She hates it, though. She says it’s “a
man thing”.
During the week , I always make
sure I’ve done our son’s homework
with him before we play. I also cook
dinner most nights. Marlene may
complain, but everything that needs
to be done for the family is done fi rst,
and the gaming comes second. If
Marlene needs a hand with something,
I’m always available. Sometimes she
asks me to turn the volume down, if
the music or the fi ghting sounds are
annoying her, and I always do.
Headphones aren’t really something I
fi nd comfortable wearing. And
anyway, if I did, Marlene would
probably get more annoyed as I’d be
shutting her out completely.
It’s rare that I keep Marlene awake
with my gaming. The one time I went
to bed at 2am I simply got carried
away. I apologised the next morning,
and it hasn’t happened since. However
I do enjoy the nights after everyone
has gone to bed and I’m alone with the
computer. I get to play League of
Legends or Age of Empires,
undisturbed, for hours. It’s bliss.
I think we have a good balance in
our house. I don’t think reducing my
time on the computer is necessary.
The jury
of Guardian readers
Should Jim spend less time gaming?Jim sounds like a very attentive father,
bonding well with his son and doing his
share of the housework. However,
Marlene needs family time, too, and
blasting out gaming soundtracks is a bit
much, as is refusing to use headphones.
As a lockdown guitarist, I know
headphones help make a happy home.
And as for off ering to teach Marlene
how to play? Well, that’s just insulting.
David, 51Video games are irrelevant to the fact
that they’re both guilty. Jim, it’s time
you realised that being in a relationship
means carving out some time for your
partner. Marlene, complaining about
what Jim likes will only make him
defensive. Try expressing your legitimate
need for attention. It might work!
Catherine, 58Jim is entitled to time alone, but Marlene
feels left out, so there must also be
activities involving her that can help him
switch off – they should make an eff ort to
spend time together in ways they both
enjoy. Solo late-night gaming is great
fun though. I think Jim is innocent.
Matt, 21Jim should understand that his video
game enthusiasm is hardly the most
healthy pursuit; and after all, Marlene
is only asking him to ration his game
playing. Hopefully the lighter, warmer
evenings will make staring at a screen a
little less attractive for Jim. Guilty.
Anouk, 42I’m a gamer but not obsessive about it
because I like physical activities more.
Marlene is being reasonable and Jim
would do well to listen to her.
Tiff any, 29My mum is
too hands-on
with our new
baby. How
can I tell her
to back off?
Ask
Annalisa Barbieri
My partner and I recently became
parents. We are lucky to have both
sets of grandparents to give hands-on
support. This was great when our
baby was very young and everything
felt like one big blur.
However, we’ve begun to fi nd my
mother’s presence increasingly
taxing. Every time she is around she
undermines our parenting by
questioning or commenting on the
way we do things. She does it in a
playful manner which makes it
diffi cult to object to, but she has also
become anxious about the baby’s
safety, often catastrophising.
We initially ignored it, then tried to
justify what we do with research. This
became tiring, so we now just roll our
eyes. By the time she has left, we feel
worn down – as if parenting a baby
wasn’t hard enough. I have tried
raising this with her, and she was
apologetic, then instantly commented
on the baby’s bedtime routine.
I’ve planned another conversation
with her but worry about hurting her
feelings. It’s got to the point that
having her around is more taxing than
helpful. The baby is the main focus of
her life as she doesn’t have many
other hobbies/interests/social
engagements – and we don’t want todeny her time with her grandchild.
But sometimes I want to tell her to
leave us alone! Any advice?Gratitude and guilt can tether us to
unhealthy behaviours. That said, I also
feel for your mum : it sounds like she
was really useful at the beginning but
is now more of an irritation. That may
be confusing for her.
When a baby is born, especially if
it’s the fi rst in the family, everything
shifts – and not just for the new
parents. A status change from parent
to grandparent can stir up a lot of
buried emotions; often this has very
little to do with the actual baby.
What sort of mother was your
mother? Does she see this as her
chance to do things diff erently? Does
she see her value in being needed?
Perversely, it may feel to her that you
no longer need her now that you are a
parent yourself. What’s your dad’s
perspective?
Everyone off ers advice with a new
baby: it can be maddening but it’s their
way of being involved. I found the best
thing to do is be curious, then ignore
what’s not needed. Avoid getting into
quoting research: it can sound like
you’re saying they did it wrong.
Family psychotherapist Nicola
McCarry wondered if “taking care of
your mum’s feelings” has been a
pattern growing up, and maybe this is
why you’re thinking so much about
them. She also pointed out that as
you’ve already tried to raise this with
your mum, you may need to set some
boundaries. Try to work out why you
fi nd the situation so upsetting, and
what emotions it’s bringing up.
When you’re ready to talk, McCarry
recommends “preparing yourself so
your tone is how you’d like it to be- maybe even put together a script so
your thoughts are ordered and
organised. And remember that when
we get anxious, we [tend to] fi ght,
fl ight, appease, so it’s not the best time
to have a conversation.”
She suggested also saying to your
mum: “I’ve noticed you feel anxious.
How are you coping. What’s going on?”
New babies mean new bonds are
formed but it can also be a time of old
hurts coming up. But also remember
that things change quickly at this
stage of new parenthood. So how it is
now is not how it will be in a year, or
even a few months.
If you would like advice on a family
matter, email ask.annalisa@
theguardian.com. See gu.com/letters-
terms for terms and condition s
Illustration: Joren Joshua
Yes: Jim is guilty 3
No: Jim is not guilty 2THE VERDICTYou’ve heard the cases,
now you decide...
Scan to vote on this week’s dispute,
share your own, or be one of the jury