OK — don’t panic. This is depressingly
normal. It is a common confession in groups
of female friends and it is constantly denied
when brought up with male friends. As Sally
in W hen Harry Met Sally puts it (before the
most famous fake orgasm in cinema history):
“All men are sure it never happened to them
and all women at one time or other have
done it, so you do the math.”
To understand the ubiquity of the faked
female orgasm, I think we have to return to our sex educa-
tion. First, we learn about sex at school, mostly in the
context of baby-making and how to avoid it. Which means
the part of sex we focus on is ejaculation. Girls my age also
learnt about sex from the problem pages of teen magazines
— again, this is mostly about how to avoid getting pregnant
or how to avoid pain from first-time penetration. I don’t
really remember reading anything about how to reach an
orgasm, either by yourself or with a partner. Then we moved
on to rom-coms, where orgasms aren’t ever shown, other
than a half-dressed woman flopping back onto a mattress,
camera above her, and panting: “THAT WAS AMAZING!
I’VE NEVER HAD SEX LIKE THAT IN MY LIFE.” And
then there was Sex and the City, which went more into detail
and technique, but in which most of the female characters
have screaming orgasms in the missionary position, prob-
ably because it shows the least of the actresses’ naked
bodies, therefore complying with any nudity clauses in their
contracts. Vibrator-owning was normalised by this show,
but it was the Rampant Rabbit that became synonymous
with self-pleasure, probably because it had a funny name
and looked good on camera. The way the Rabbit is shaped
means that it was mostly designed for penetration.
Then there’s porn. Here, in our twenties or even teens,
we learnt that the showstopper of sex — the chorus line,
key change and finale — is ejaculation. That’s the thing you
work towards as the big finish. And I get it: from a purely
cinematic perspective I can see how it makes for the most
aesthetically impactful ending. But once again that means in
most pornography the focus is on penetration.
No wonder women think that the way they have a good
time during sex is through penetration alone. No wonder
so many men assume they don’t have to go near any other
part of a woman’s anatomy to make sure she has a good
time. But here’s the fact: on average, 80 per cent of women Alexandra Cameroncannot orgasm from penetrative sex alone
— 80 PER CENT. When I interviewed the
very brilliant novelist Holly Bourne, she
told me that one of her rules of writing sex
scenes is she never has female characters
orgasm through penetrative sex alone for
this reason. I can think of so few examples
in films, TV and books where women are
depicted climaxing through clitoral stimu-
lation, and yet that is the reality for some
80 per cent of the female population. We need this to be
normalised so that women will stop faking it and men stop
having unrealistic expectations of female anatomy. I think
Holly is doing God’s work.
It’s worth considering exactly why you feel you have
to fake orgasms. Do you feel like “normal” women can
orgasm through penetration alone (if so, please read all the
research and statistics on this subject and get rid of that
thought immediately). Are you worried that if a man can’t
make you orgasm then you’re going to wound his pride?
Do you feel shame about your vulva and therefore feel
guilty about asking your husband to spend any prolonged
period in its vicinity? Spend some time working out
where these false beliefs originated. I also think it’s worth
figuring out exactly what makes you orgasm. Not only is
it helpful when guiding your husband in bed, but also it’s
important that you have a relationship with your own
sexuality that is separate from him. You need to reconnect
to that part of yourself in a way that is selfish, patient,
unapologetic and generous.
You may find that once you start holding out for real
orgasms, your husband might be confused. He may
wonder why he can no longer get you off as easily as he has
done in the past, and he may worry that he’s doing some-
thing wrong. My advice is to be honest with him. This will,
of course, be horrifying news. But if he loves you, what
would be even more horrifying is the possibility of you
continuing to negate your pleasure in a lie to satisfy him.
Make it clear to him that this is something you’ve done
historically, rather than something you’ve done for him —
it is not about his performance but rather your own rela-
tionship with sexuality. I imagine this may make it easier
news to receive. Then start again. Intimacy only happens
with honesty. I think, once you stop lying, you’ll be
surprised at how easily it, ahem, comes. ■Your love, life and friendship dilemmas answered
by Dolly Alderton
Dear Dolly
To get your life dilemma answered by Dolly, email or send a voice note
to [email protected] or DM @theststyleI’ve faked every penetrative orgasm since I started having sex.
I’m now 30 and I can’t keep up the lie with my husband. Help!42 • The Sunday Times Style*