March• 2019 | 97READER’S DIGEST
Avoid making judgements. A
common reaction to criticism is to
stop listening, so it can be hard to get
your point across if you put someone
on the defensive. A sound strategy is
to address a situation by stating how
it makes you feel instead of describ-
ing the other person negatively. You
could say, “I’m stressed out by my
workload,” rather than “You’ve created
a miserable work environment,” or “I
feel ignored when I ask a question and
you don’t answer,” rather than “You’re
a bad listener.” Whether a situation is
acceptable or not or whose fault it is
may be up for debate. But your own
feelings are indisputable facts, so
they’re a good place to start.
Make sure, however, not to sim-
ply lean on the ‘I’ statement. “What
matters is the underlying attitude,
not the exact words,” emphasises
Glouberman, warning that you will
sound phony if your non-judgemen-
tal language isn’t matched with an
empathetic state of mind.
Express appreciation. Communi-
cating gratefulness is relationship
gold. “It may seem a bit kumbaya,
especially in the workplace, but it can
be done without sounding contrived,”
says Peters. “The trick is to wait for the
moment when you feel authentically
appreciative of something.” It needn’t
be anything revolutionary: even if
someone has merely performed a task
that is part of their job description,
you might still feel glad that they did it
well. Tell them so.
EXERCISE: PREPARING
FOR A TOUGH TALKMisha Glouberman shares an
activity from his course How to
Talk to People About Things.1 Think of an upcoming
challenging conversation. Take a
few minutes to explain what it’s
about to a friend, then let them
ask any questions that would help
them better understand the issues
from your perspective.2 Get your friend to interview
you about the same issues again,
but this time assume the role of
the person with whom you’ll be
having the talk. Use first-person
pronouns (‘I’, ‘me’, etc.) as though
you really were them.3 Lastly, practise having this
difficult conversation but with you
playing the other person and your
friend playing you. Speaking out
loud in the other person’s voice
can be revelatory, Glouberman
says, because even though we
often give some thought to the
perspective of others, we’re not
used to identifying with them
so fully. Watching your friend
perform your role may even
help you see where your current
strategy isn’t working or inspire a
new approach.