94 | March• 2019TALK THE TALKWecommunicatewitheachotheron
adailybasis,sowhydoesitfeellike
we’re not always really connecting?
in thinking that there’s only one
solution and that you already know
what it is,” says communication
trainer Misha Glouberman. Instead,
he suggests sparking a joint prob-
lem-solving effort by thinking about
what outcomes really matter to you,
and then keeping an open mind.
Forexample,ifyourneighbour’s
tree is shedding leaves on your lawn
andyourarthritismakesithardto
hold a rake, you could demand that
shejustcutthetreedown.That’sone
possible solution, but what really
matterstoyouisdoinglessgarden-
ing. Maybe a higher fence could help.
Orifyoutalktoyourneighbourabout
your needs, perhaps she’ll suggest
thatherkidscomeovertoplayinthe
leaves, clean them up and enjoy some
hot chocolate afterwards.
Ask first.Trying to communicate
without knowing where the other
person stands is like attempting to
thread a needle in the dark. “People
get really intent on telling their side of
a story first,” says Peters. “But I’m a big
fan of starting by asking questions.”
This, she says, will help you avoid
assumptions: you might think you
know what you and the other person
agree and disagree on, but you could
be wrong.Fact is, bad habits and a lack of
awarenessofusefultoolscouldbe
standing between you and your best
possiblerelationshipswithfamily,
friends and colleagues. Consider
theseexperttipsandlearnhowto
trulyhearandbeheard.
Account for your emotions.
Beforeasinglewordisspoken,your
emotional state can inf luence the
quality of a discussion. For instance,
ifyou’restressed,yourhigherbrain
functions temporarily weaken,
your perspective narrows and you
are literally less able to hear what’s
being said.
Whenyouneedtoaddresssome-
thingupsetting,it’sbesttowaituntil
youfeelcalm.Andifanexchange
becomes heated, remember that time
outs aren’t just for children. “You can
saythatyouneedtotakeabreak,”
says Jacqueline Peters, a relation-
ship, executive and team coach. “But
reassure the other person that you’re
going to revisit the issue later at a
settimesothatthisstrategydoesn’t
become a form of conflict avoidance.”
Thinklikeanegotiator.People
oftenenterintohigh-stakesconver-
sationshavingrehearsedtheirown
position ad nauseam, which may
be counterproductive. “Don’t go