FUNNY
OLD
GAME
Comedian
George Lewis
reflects on the
week’s actionA hooded man sprints
across an urban
landscape. He jumps from a
roof, crouches down and sets a
fuse alight. The spark briefly
illuminates his face. Is that
Kieran Trippier? Before we
can work it out, the camera
whips across to show Big Ben
being demolished. Red-and-
white smoke overtakes the
screen. A woman in a flowing
robe floats through shot. We’re
not quite sure what is going
on, but it’s definitely very cool.
Then bam! We’re into a live
studio. We’re greeted by a
young woman with an
asymmetrical haircut. Picture
Des Lynam. She is the exact
opposite of that. She says,
“Welcome to tonight’s England
coverage!” Our other two
hosts are an equally quirky
young man and Mark
Lawrenson, brought in to
provide some experience.
The studio is a stark white
space, with an abstract picture
of a footballer on the wall. The
football is a triangle. Make no
mistake about it, these guys
are doing things differently.
They discuss the upcoming
England match. But instead of
tactics, they use words like
“vibes”. The studio audience
laugh at things that Lawro
doesn’t understand.
They throw to the pitchside
reporter: Noel Fielding, who is
with Jordan Pickford. There is
no chat about football —
instead Noel wants to know
what mythical creature Jordan
would most like to share a
bedsit with. It’s a minotaur.
When kick-off arrives, it’s
not what we’re used to. Instead
of the swooping aerial shots,
it is all filmed on a single
hand-held camera to give it an
anarchic gonzo feel.
The commentary team —
Jon Snow and Amanda
Holden — do little to make
any sense of it all. They just
keep talking about the
prospect of penalties, but
weirdly they are excited about
what they are calling “The
Great British Shoot-Out”.
It’s very strange. But this is
how England coverage might
look in the future, because
Channel 4 have just won
the rights, and there is no
way they can just do a normal
broadcast. It wouldn’t fit
with their identity. They
have always been risky,
groundbreaking and irreverent.
The Uefa Nations League and
European qualifiers are none
of these things.
My version might sound
awful, but however they
choose to shake things up, I’d
welcome it. Anything to make
qualifiers more interesting.
And maybe this acquisition
will open up the possibility for
other channels to buy rights
too. A year from now, you
could see a countdown of the
“100 Greatest Throw-Ins of All
Time” on Channel 5, or some
truly brilliant performances
from Manchester United on
the History channel.Sky Bet Championship
PW D L F A W D L F A GDPtsHOME AWAY
W1 Fulham (P)................44 13 4 5 49 20 13 5 4 50 19 60 87
W2 Bournemouth..........44 11 7 3 39 21 12 6 5 33 18 33 82
Y3 Nott’m Forest..........44 13^4 6 43 22 10 6 5 29 16 34^79
Z4 Huddersfield............45 12 6 4 33 23 10 7 6 29 24 15 79
W5 Luton Town.............44 11 7 4 36 22 9 5 8 26 26 14 72
W6 Sheffield United......45 12 5 5 34 15 8 7 8 25 30 14 72
Y7 Middlesbrough.......45 14 2 7 34 21 6 8 8 24 25 12 70
W8 Millwall......................45 13 6 4 32 16 5 9 8 21 28 9 69
Z9 Blackburn.................45 12 5 6 36 26 6 7 9 21 23 866
Y10West Brom................45 11^8 3 29 16^65 12 19 29^364
W11 Coventry...................45 10 5 8 32 26 7 7 8 27 32 163
Z12 QPR.............................45 10 6 7 30 25 8 3 11 29 34 0 63
Z13 Stoke...........................45 10 4 8 29 22 7 6 10 27 29 5 61
Y14 Preston......................45 8 104 29 27 7 6 10 19 28 -7 61
Z15 Swansea....................45 9 8 5 30 26 7 5 11 28 41 -9 61
W16 Blackpool..................45 11 3 9 29 26 5 9 8 25 27 160
W17 Bristol City................45 8^87 33 29^72 13 29 46 -13^55
W18 Hull..............................45 7 3 12 21 27 7 5 11 19 26 -13 50
W19 Cardiff........................45 7 4 12 22 29 7 4 11 27 39 -19 50
W 20 Birmingham.............45 7 6 9 26 31 4 8 11 23 42 -24 47
W21 Reading*....................45 7 5 11 33 44 6 3 13 21 42 -32 41
Y22Derby** (R)...............45 11 7 4 30 21 3 6 14 15 31 -7 34
Z23Peterborough (R)...45 5 7 10 22 33 3 3 17 16 54 -49 34
W^24 Barnsley (R)..............45 5^7 11 18 29^15 16 15 40 -36^30
Sky Bet League One
PWD L F AWD L F AGDPtsHOME AWAY
W1 Wigan (C).................46 13^5 5 36 22 14^6 3 46 22 38^92
W2 Rotherham (P).......46 15 3 5 43 22 12 6 5 27 11 37 90
W3 MK Dons...................46 13^5 5 34 21 13^6 4 44 23 34^89
Y4 Sheffield Wed.........46 16 5 2 48 18 8 8 7 30 32 28 85
Z5 Sunderland..............46 16 3 4 49 19 8 9 6 30 34 26 84
W6 Wycombe.................46 14 5 4 39 26 9 9 5 36 25 24 83
Z7 Plymouth.................46 14 4 5 32 19 9 7 7 36 29 20 80
W8 Oxford United........46 13^6 4 47 27^94 10 35 32 23^76
Y9 Bolton........................46 12 7 4 45 26 9 3 11 29 31 17 73
Z10Portsmouth.............46 14^5 4 46 25 6^8 9 22 26 17^73
W11 Ipswich......................46 11 9 3 38 22 7 7 9 29 24 21 70
Y12 Acc’ton Stanley......46 12 6 5 41 33 5 4 14 20 47 -19 61
Z13 Charlton....................46 10 4 9 32 28 7 4 12 23 31 -4 59
W14 Cambridge Utd...... 468 8 7 28 29 7 5 11 28 45 -18 58
W15 Cheltenham............46 10 7 6 33 30 310 10 33 50 -14 56
W16 Burton Albion.........46 10 6 7 34 26 4 5 14 17 41 -16 53
Y17 Lincoln City.............^4675 11 25 29^75 11 30 34 -8^52
Z18 Shrewsbury............. 469 7 7 30 25 3 7 13 17 26 -4 50
W19 Morecambe............. 467 8 8 33 35 3 4 16 24 53 -31 42
W 20 Fleetwood Town... 465 8 10 33 37 3 8 12 29 45 -20 40
W21 Gillingham (R)........ 464 8 11 13 36 4 8 11 22 33 -34 40
Y22Doncaster (R)......... 467 3 13 20 32 3 5 15 17 50 -45 38
Z23AFC Wim’don (R) .. 462147 27 34 4 5 14 22 41 -26 37
W^24 Crewe (R) ................^4655 13 22 40 2^3 18 15 43 -46^29Sky Bet League Two
PWD L F AWD L F AGDPtsHOME AWAY
Y1 Exeter City (P) 45 14^62 37 18^99 5 28 22 25^84
Z2 Forest Green (P) ...45 14 4 5 34 189 103 39 24 31 83
W3 Northampton..........45 13^55 32 15^967 25 22 20^77
Y4 Bristol Rovers.........45 13 4 5 31 20 9 7 7 33 29 15 77
Z5 Port Vale..................44 11 6 5 34 20 10 6 6 31 24 21 75
W6 Mansfield Town.....44 15 3 4 38 22 7 6 9 25 26 15 75
Y7 Swindon.................... 459 7 7 35 25 12 4 6 39 29 20 74
Z8 Sutton United.........45 14^5 4 38 20 7^5 10 29 33 14^73
W9 Tranmere.................45 16 3 4 36 16 4 9 9 16 24 12 72
Z10Salford City..............44 10 8^4 31 19^94 9 25 21 16^69
W11 Newport County.... 449 6 7 40 29 9 6 7 25 26 10 66
W12 Crawley Town........ 459 6 8 28 29 8 3 11 25 34 -10 60
W13 Leyton Orient......... 459 5 8 36 21 511 7 26 25 16 58
Y14 Bradford................... 455107 27 29 8 6 9 24 26 -4 55
Z15 Walsall.......................45 10 5 7 30 26 4 7 12 17 31 -10 54
Z16 Hartlepool................ 459 7 6 24 24 5 5 13 20 38 -18 54
Y17 Harrogate Town....^4567 9 32 34 8^4 11 32 39 -9^53
Y18 Carlisle...................... 458 7 8 19 23 6 4 12 20 37 -21 53
Z19 Colchester................ 456 9 8 25 28 7 4 11 21 32 -14 52
Z 20 Rochdale.................. 457 11 5 28 23 4 6 12 21 36 -10 50
W21 Barrow...................... 455 9 8 24 25 5 5 13 19 29 -11 44
W22Stevenage................ 458 6 8 25 28 2 8 13 16 38 -25 44
W23Oldham (R).............. 455 3 14 26 39 4 7 12 17 33 -29 37
W^24 Scunthorpe (R).......^4537 13 15 36^17 14 14 47 -54^26Barnsley 1 Preston 3
Marsh 16
13,190
Johnson 23, 54
Riis Jakobsen 74
Blackburn 0 B’mouth 3
21,396 Solanke 21
Billing 70, 79
Blackpool^0 Derby^2
15,298 Ebiowei 73
Cashin 82
Bristol City^5 Hull^0
Weimann 5, 82
Semenyo 33
Martin 35, 54
21,799Cardiff 1 B’mingham 1
Vaulks 82 (pen)
21,395
Bela 22Coventry 1 H’dersfield 2
Gyökeres 90
23,828
Toffolo 45
Anjorin 79 (pen)M’boro 3 Stoke 1
Crooks 21, 72
Baker 25 (og)Powell 90+4
24,942
Millwall 3 P’borough 0
Afobe 53
Knight (og) 73
Saville 7616,705Nott’m For 5 Swansea 1
Christie (og) 22
Surridge 48, 52,
69
Mighten 84Obafemi 28
28,659QPR^1 Sheff Utd^3
Austin 31 Ndiaye 54
Robinson 73
Hourihane
90+4
Reading 0 West Brom 1
15,509 Grant 78Wimbledon 3 Accrington 4
Assal 56
Rudoni 58, 66
7,839Rich-Baghuelou
18,
Bishop 35
Nottingham 45
O’Sullivan 63
Bolton 4 Fleetwood 2
Charles 37, 86
John 53
Bödvarsson
90+6Baggley 17
Garner 79
16,886Burton 1 Wycombe 2
Ahadme 72
4,440Vokes 43
Obita 85
Cambridge 2 Cheltenham 2
Smith 22, 50
5,880May 23, 90+1
Sent off: Boyle
Gillingham 0 Rotherham 2
8,542 Edmonds-
Green 34
Kelly 89Carlisle 2 Stevenage 1
Riley 52,
Alessandra 63Norris 88 (pen)Colchester 2 Walsall 2
Sears 24, 56
(pen)Kiernan 39,
Miller 48
Crawley 0 L Orient 2
Archibald 8,
Drinan 90+5
Forest G R 1 Harrogate 3
Matt 45+3 (pen)Muldoon 40
(pen),
Diamond 46,
Kerry 72
N’thampton 1 Exeter City 1
Pinnock 29 Nombe 71Rochdale 3 Bristol Rvrs 4
Charman 11, 17,
O’Keeffe 60Finley 54,
Collins 66, 89,
Anderson 90+5
Scunthorpe 1 Hartlepool 1
Wilson 49 Featherstone
72 (pen)
Sutton 1 Bradford 4
Smith 55 Vernam 16, 77,
Songo’o 85,
Cook 90+7
Swindon 2 Barrow 1
Davison 22,
Reed 85Platt 83Tranmere 2 Oldham 0
Hawkes 27,
Hemmings 62LEADING SCORERS
41 Mitrovic, right (Fulham)
29 Solanke (Bournemouth)
22 Piroe (Swansea)
22 Weimann (Bristol C)
21 Brereton Díaz (Blackburn)
16 Adebayo (Luton Town)
16 Grant (West Brom)
TOP ASSISTS
TOP SAVES
16 Wilson (Fulham)
13 Swift (Reading)
12 Wallace (Millwall)
12 Semenyo (Bristol C)
11 Thomas (Huddersfield)
11 Willock (QPR)
138 Nicholls (Huddersfield)
126 Collins (Barnsley)
125 Iversen (Preston)
123 Bentley (Bristol C)
122 Bialkowski (Millwall)
120 Kaminski (Blackburn)
LEADING SCORERS
26 Keane, right (Wigan)
24 Stewart (Sunderland)
23 May (Cheltenham Town)
23 Stockton (Morecambe)
20 Taylor (Oxford)
20 Twine (MK Dons)
TOP ASSISTSTOP SAVES17 McConville (Accrington)
13 Twine (MK Dons)
12 Bannan (Sheff Wed)
12 Power (Wigan)
10 Whyte (Oxford)
9 Curtis (Portsmouth)141 Cooper (Plymouth)
139 Stockdale (Wycombe)
135 Bazunu (Portsmouth)
135 Marosi (Shrewsbury)
129 Cumming (MK Dons)LEADING SCORERS
25 Telford, right (Newport C)
23 Stevens (Forest Grn)
19 Matt (Forest Grn)
19 McKirdy (Swindon)
14 Jay (Exeter)
14 Keillor-Dunn (Oldham)
14 Sears (Colchester)
TOP ASSISTSTOP SAVES13 Wilson (Forest Grn)
12 Brown (Exeter)
12 Cadden (Forest Grn)
12 Pinnock (Northampton)
11 Evans (Bristol R)139 Morris (Crawley)
135 Watson (Scunthorpe)
126 Farman (Barrow)
122 Bouzanis (Sutton United)
120 Killip (Hartlepool United)??
25
Fixtures
Today
Premier League
Man United v Brentford (8.0).
Championship
Fulham v Luton Town (5.15).
League Two
Salford v Mansfield (12.30); Port
Vale v Newport County (3.0).
National League
Altrincham v Barnet (3.0);
Boreham Wood v Wrexham (3.0);
Chesterfield v Stockport County
(3.0); Dagenham & Redbridge v
Torquay United (3.0); Eastleigh v
FC Halifax Town (3.0);
Maidenhead United v Aldershot
Town (3.0); Notts County v Dover
Athletic (3.0); Solihull Moors v
Bromley (3.0); Southend United v
Weymouth (3.0); Woking v King’s
Lynn Town (3.0); Yeovil Town v
Wealdstone (3.0).
National League North
Blyth Spartans v Curzon Ashton
(3.0); Boston United v Gloucester
City (3.0); Chester v Bradford
(Park Avenue) (3.0); Chorley v
Gateshead (3.0); Darlington v
Farsley Celtic (3.0); Guiseley v
Spennymoor Town (3.0);
Hereford v Brackley Town (3.0);
Kettering Town v Alfreton Town
(3.0); Leamington v
Kidderminster Harriers (3.0);
Southport v AFC Telford United
(3.0); York City v AFC Fylde (3.0).
National League South
Billericay Town v Ebbsfleet
United (3.0); Chippenham
Town v Hungerford Town (3.0);
Dartford v Braintree Town (3.0);
Dorking Wanderers v Dulwich
Hamlet (3.0); Hampton &
Richmond v Slough Town (3.0);
Hemel Hempstead Town v
Havant & Waterlooville (3.0);
Oxford City v St Albans City (3.0);
Tonbridge Angels v Eastbourne
Borough (3.0); Welling United v
Maidstone (3.0).Tomorrow
Champions League semi-final
second leg
Villarreal (0) v Liverpool (2) (8.0)
Championship
AFC Bournemouth v Nottingham
Forest (7.0)
National League South
Chelmsford City v Concord
Rangers (7.45).
Wednesday
Champions League semi-final
second leg
Real Madrid (3) v Manchester
City (4) (8.0)
FA Women’s Super League
Manchester City v Birmingham
City (7.0); Arsenal v Tottenham
Hotspur (7.15).
Thursday
Europa League semi-final
second legs
Eintracht Frankfurt (2) v West
Ham United (1) (8.0); Rangers (0)
v RB Leipzig (1) (8.0).
Europa Conference League
semi-final second legs
Marseille (2) v Feyenoord (3)
(8.0); Roma (1) v Leicester (1)
(8.0).
League One play-off first leg
Wycombe Wanderers v Milton
Keynes Dons (7.45).
Friday
League One play-off first leg
Sunderland v Sheffield
Wednesday (7.45).
Saturday
Premier League
Brentford v Southampton (3.0);
Burnley v Aston Villa (3.0);
Chelsea v Wolves (3.0); Crystal
Palace v Watford (3.0); Brighton
& Hove Albion v Manchester
United (5.30); Liverpool v
Tottenham Hotspur (7.45).Scottish Premiership
Celtic v Heart of Midlothian (12.0);
Hibernian v Aberdeen (3.0);
Livingston v St Johnstone (3.0);
Ross County v Motherwell (3.0);
St Mirren v Dundee (3.0).
Championship
Birmingham City v Blackburn
Rovers (12.30); AFC Bournemouth
v Millwall (12.30); Derby County v
Cardiff City (12.30); Huddersfield
Town v Bristol City (12.30); Hull
City v Nottingham Forest (12.30);
Luton Town v Reading (12.30);
Peterborough United v Blackpool
(12.30); Preston North End v
Middlesbrough (12.30); Sheffield
United v Fulham (12.30); Stoke
City v Coventry City; Swansea
City v Queens Park Rangers
(12.30); West Bromwich Albion v
Barnsley (12.30).
League Two
Barrow v Northampton Town
(3.0); Bradford City v Carlisle
United (3.0); Bristol Rovers v
Scunthorpe United (3.0); Exeter
City v Port Vale (3.0); Harrogate
Town v Sutton United (3.0);
Hartlepool United v Colchester
United (3.0); Leyton Orient v
Tranmere Rovers (3.0); Mansfield
Town v Forest Green Rovers
(3.0); Newport County v
Rochdale (3.0); Oldham Athletic v
Crawley Town (3.0); Stevenage v
Salford City (3.0); Walsall v
Swindon Town (3.0).
National League
Torquay v Chesterfield (12.30);
Bromley v Dover (3.0); FC Halifax
Town v Aldershot (3.0); Grimsby
Town v Maidenhead United
(3.0); Notts County v Altrincham
(3.0); Solihull Moors v
Dagenham & Redbridge (3.0);
Wealdstone v King’s Lynn
Town (3.0); Weymouth v Barnet
(3.0); Woking v Eastleigh (3.0);
Yeovil Town v Boreham Wood
(3.0).Eastbourne Borough^1 Billericay Town^2
Walker 34 Jeffrey 7, Gavin 17
Ebbsfleet United^2 Chippenham Town^2
Romain 49, Solly 77
1,102
Hanks 29
Richards 61
Havant & Waterlooville^3 Hampton & Richmond^0
Oastler 41, Roberts 80, 83
Hungerford Town^1 Welling United^2
Ofori-Acheampong 49
488
Akinyemi 81
Matthews 90
Maidstone United^3 Chelmsford City^1
Barham 43
Ghandour 51
Deacon 81
Jackson 84
3,774Slough Town 0 Dartford 6
Dinanga 2, 44
Murtagh 14, Kalala 59
Greenidge 72
Durojaiye 89
St Albans City^1 Dorking Wanderers^0
Jeffers 69
Scottish Premiership
P W D L F A GD Pts
Celtic............................35 27 5 3 81 20 61 86
Rangers......................35 24 8 3 71 2942 80
Hearts.......................... 35 17 10 8 51 35 16 61
Dundee United......... 35 11 11 13 34 40 -6 44
Ross County..............35 10 11 14 45 54 -9 41
Motherwell................35 10 1015 39 54-15 40
Livingston.................. 3512 8 15 38 44 -6 44
Hibernian...................35 10 11 14 32 38 -6 41
Aberdeen...................35 10 9 16 40 44 -4 39
St. Mirren................... 35 9 1214 31 51 -20 39
St. Johnstone............ 35 7 10 18 22 46 -24 31
Dundee....................... 35 5 11 19 30 59 -29 26
Aberdeen 1 Dundee 0
Ferguson 73 (pen) 13,747
Celtic 1 Rangers 1
Jota 21 Sakala 67
Dundee United^1 Motherwell^0
Levitt 37 6,250
Hearts^0 Ross County^0
Livingston^1 Hibernian^0
Pittman 57
St. Johnstone^0 St. Mirren^1
4,253 Kiltie 53
Scottish Championship
Arbroath 3 Morton 0; Ayr 3 Partick Thistle 1;
Dunfermline 1 Queen of the South 2; Inverness 4
Hamilton Academical 0; Raith Rovers 1 Kilmarnock 1.
P W D L F A GD Pts
Kilmarnock (C)........36 20 7 9 50 27 23 67
Arbroath.................... 3617 14 5 54 28 26 65
Inverness .................. 3616 11 9 53 34 19 59
Partick Thistle.......... 36 14 1012 46 40 6 52
Raith Rovers............. 3612 14 10 44 44 0 50
Hamilton Academical 361012 14 38 53-15 42
Morton 36 9 13 14 36 47 -11 40
Ayr United................. 36 9 12 15 39 52 -13 39
Dunfermline ............ 36 7 14 15 36 53 -17 35
Q of the South (R) 36 8 9 19 36 54-18 33
Scottish League One
Airdrieonians 1 Peterhead 1; Alloa Athletic 4 Montrose
1; Dumbarton 2 Clyde 1; East Fife 2 Cove Rangers 3;
Queen’s Park 1 Falkirk 1.
P W D L F A GD Pts
Cove Rangers (C)....36 23 10 3 73 32 41 79
Airdrieonians........... 3621 9 6 68 37 31 72
Montrose................... 3615 14 7 53 36 17 59
Queen’s Park............ 36 11 18 7 51 36 15 51
Alloa Athletic........... 3612 9 15 49 57 -8 45
Falkirk......................... 3612 8 16 49 55 -6 44
Peterhead.................. 36 11 9 16 46 51 -5 42
Clyde........................... 36 9 12 15 39 62 -23 39
Dumbarton............... 36 9 7 20 4871 -23 34
East Fife (R).............. 36 5 8 2331 70 -39 23
Scottish League Two
Annan 1 Kelty 2; Cowdenbeath 0 Albion Rovers 1;
Forfar 0 Stenhousemuir 0; Stirling Albion 5 Edinburgh
City 0; Stranraer 2 Elgin City 0.
P W D L F A GD Pts
Kelty Hearts (C).......36 24 9 3 68 28 40 81
Forfar Athletic......... 3616 12 8 57 36 21 60
Annan Athletic......... 3618 5 13 64 51 13 59
Edinburgh City........ 36 14 1012 43 49 -6 52
Stenhousemuir........ 36 13 10 13 47 46 1 49
Stranraer.................... 3613 8 15 50 54 -4 47
Stirling Albion.......... 36 11 9 16 41 46 -5 42
Albion Rovers..........36 10 9 17 37 58-21 39
Elgin City................... 36 9 1017 33 51 -18 37
Cowdenbeath.......... 36 7 8 21 28 49-21 29the times | Monday May 2 2022 1GG 15
*Deducted six points; **deducted 21 points
41
SIpswich 4 Charlton 0
Bakinson 7
Burns 11, 50
Norwood 8826,002Lincoln City^2 Crewe^1
Hopper 79
Adelakun 90Long 21
9,147
Morecambe 0 Sunderland 1
5,831 Broadhead 10
Oxford^1 Doncaster^1
Bodin 23 Martin 67
Plymouth^0 MK Dons^5
Sent off:
Houghton
15,644Twine 17, 40,
60, 77
Darling 43
Sheff Wed 4 Portsmouth 1
Gregory 17
Berahino 36
Storey 40,
Byers 86Hirst 4
33,394Shrewsbury 0 Wigan 3
8,369 Vela (og) 43
Keane 50
(pen), 6526