Men\'s Health Australia - 11.2018

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Wayback,whenIwastheoneleavinghome,

Ilookedupfromthedrivewaytotheverandah

atmyfarewellpartyoftwo.Mymumwas

crying,whilemydadlookedannoyed.Ithink

hefeltI’dfailedtolendtheoccasionitsproper

gravitas.Andhewasright.I’dmarchedoutof

thereasthoughIwereofftobuymilk.Where

werethesolemnwordsofgratitude?Too

youngandfoolishtoknowbetter,I’dblown

the moment.

Thirtyyearsonit’smyson–myfirst-born

–whoisabouttoflythecoop.Itisn’tlikeI

won’tseehimanymore.He’sgoingalltheway

tothenextsuburbwithhisfiancée.Butthisis

stilltheendofsomething.Andwithmycrack

atthedailyfatheringofmyboywindingup,

I’vebeenthinkingabouthowIdid.

Well,let’ssee.Ididn’tstumbleindrunk

everynight,oranynight.Ineverforgothis

birthday,swipedhispocketmoneyormade

alungeatoneofhisgirlfriends.SoIprobably

don’tqualifyasatrain-wreckofadad.

Ifyou’relikeme,however,youwillhave

setthebarhigherthanout-fatheringThomas

Markle.Goodmove.Becauseexpertsare

increasingly tracing children’s prospects for

long-termwellbeingtothefather’sinfluence.

AccordingtoDarrellBrown,authorofRaised

By Our Childhood Voices: One Father’s

Journey to Raise Confident, Connected,

Compassionate Boys,sonswhomissout

onthevalidationtheyneedfromtheirdad

developsomethingcalleda“fatherwound”.

Clinicians who’ve worked with thousands of

men,Browntellsme,saythatifyouwalkinto

anypsychiatrist’soffice,ninetimesoutof10

therootcauseofthepresentingproblemisa

father wound.

HaveIinflictedoneofthose?Timefora

lightningreviewofa26-yearrelationship.

Wegotofftoaflyer.Mywifewassoout

ofitinthehoursafterdeliverythatitfelt

asthoughthefateofthisinnocentrested

solely in my hands. Love – fierce, protective,

Ashissonpreparestoflythenest,onemantakes

aclear-eyedlookathisperformanceasafather.

Didhepassthemostimportantexamyouwillsit?

primal – hit like a 10ft wave. Because I have a

near-Special Forces abilit y to cope with sleep

deprivation our bond strengthened in his

infancy when he demanded company most

nights; we whittled away the small hours

together. Later it helped that I still liked

to play. Not everything, of course – I’m not

insane. But kicking and whacking balls? I was

always up for a spell of that.

As a once anxious kid I grasped that

my son’s fears were no less real for being

irrational. When he was spooked in the

middle of the night I stayed with him until

sleep reclaimed him. He remembers that.

Regrets? Plenty. (Who are these guys who

say they have none?) I feel mine intensely.

They often involved sport, which for us was

mostly a glue but occasionally a trap.

One time, at a family barbecue when

he was all of three years old, I was bowling

underarm to him so he could clobber the ball

with his plastic bat. He was astonishingly

good at this and I’d boasted about his talent.

But on this day, in front of an audience, he was

just fanning the air. Ridiculously, I became

frustrated with him until – and this still

tortures me – he declared, “I’m hopeless!”

When he was 11 I was on the sideline when

his soccer team lost 8-0. Like most of his

By Daniel Williams Photography by Philip Le Masurier

JUDGEMENT DAY

LEAN ON ME, FROM

FIRST STEPS TO

WEDDING DAY.

108 menshealth.com.au