A
nd so life
begins.
By the time
you read
thesewords,Iwillhave
turned 40. The big
four-oh.Awholenew
tick-box on the oficial
form of life.
Oh god, I’m oficially
middle-aged. Halfway
to death, statistically.
Though if this were
theMiddleAges,I’dbe
long dead of scurvy or
smallpoxoradodgy
hogroast.Averagelife
expectancyintheyear1300was
31 ye a r s; it ’s now 8 0 for A u s t r a l i a n men.
I’dliketosaythislandmarkhassnuck
up on me almost unnoticed but it’s been
on my mind constantly since the day before
Iturned39.SincethenIhavecrossedoff
eachdayonawallcalendarwith‘The40’- a self-designed six-minute body weight
exercise regimen comprised of 40 push-ups,
40 sit-ups, 40 tricep dips, 40 lunges,
rounded off with a two-minute plank.
Theideawastostaveoffdad-bodand
heroicallybreastthetapeof40ratherthan
wheeze over the line. In the last desperate,
frenzied month, I’ve employed the services
ofapersonaltrainerthreetimesaweek–
aconsiderablepriceI’mwillingtopay
asthebigdayloomsintoview.Fortyis
a threshold when people start to either
look really good or really bad for their age.
Thanks to my wife’s ever-impressive
organisationalskills,Iwillbeluckyenough
toseeinmyroaringfortiessurroundedby
thesame14friendswithwhomIcelebrated
my 30thwhenwealllivedinSydney–all
DINK (double income, no kids) couples
back then. We’re having the reunion on
thehedonisticislandofIbiza.(Watchout,
millennials!)Adecadeon,therewillbean
additional seven baby-gatecrashers.
And one of the couples has split.
Idistinctlyrememberfeelingquite
depressedaboutturning30,likeitwas
theendofsomethingratherthanthe
start.Theleaduptoalandmarkbirthday
offerstheopportunityforintrospective
relection.AmIwhereIexpectedtobe
at this stage in life? Am I happy? Do these
swim shorts still it?
There’salineinDrake’ssong‘Portland’
thattouchesanerveeverytimeIhearit:
‘FuckbeingrichwhenI’m40,man,I’m
trying to make it now’. I’m days away from
40.I’mnotrich,atleastnotinancially.
Ihavenot‘madeit’.Sure,Iearnseveral
timesmorethanIdidwhenIstartedmy
professional career at 21 but somehow
Idon’tseemtohaveanymoremoney.
Less,ifanything.Bloodymortgage.
IfIsquint,Icanjustaboutrecallmydad
turning40.Iwassix;hewasancient.When
you’re 20, 30 seems old. When you’re 30, 40
seemsold.Whenyou’re40,37seemssodamn
young.Ididn’thavesleep-thievingkidsthen.
Or a grey-patched beard. Or these love handles.Looking back though,
Ihadaprettygoodrun
at my thirties. My wife
andIhaveacarpediem
attitude towards life’s
opportunities, which has
takenustoliveinthree
different countries.
There’s a trite bumper
stickerlinethatresonates
with me. ‘One day your
life will lash before your
eyes;makesureit’s
worth watching.’
Idon’tfeel40,nordo
IfeellikeIevenact40.
Perhaps I’m in denial
though,fortherecentevidencewould
suggest I am very much in the throes
ofamidlifecrisis.Forexample,having
sanctimoniously vowed in this column in
thepastthatIwouldnevergetatattoo,
Irecentlygotmyirstink:twoparallelrings
undermyweddingbandtorepresentour
twins. Seen from another angle it apparently
spellsouttheword‘cliché’.Lastmonthout
ofpurevanity,Isecretlygotmyteeth
whitened and had Botox. My wife only
noticedwhenshesawthecreditcard
statement. My barber recently started
trimming my eyebrows and my ear hair.
WTAF.Andit’soneoflife’struismsthat
grey hair looks really cool on every guy
except yourself.
Iliketothinkofmyselfasdownwith
thekidsbutrecentlyI’vebeguntofeelabit
outoftouch.Not100percentsureIknow
what ‘extra’ and ‘woke’ mean, for example
–certainlywouldn’tbeconidentabout
usingthemcorrectlyinasentencewithout
sounding like a befuddled granddad giving
it the ‘wassup dudes!’ with two over-
enthusiastic thumbs up.
Yes, life begins at 40. But so does the
habitofrepeatingyourself,saying‘oof’
whenyousitdown,fallingfastasleep
within 15 minutes of a new episode ofThe
Handmaid’s Tale, and repeating yourself. CAUTION:
LANDMARK
APPROACHING
PHOTOGRAPHY: GIUSEPPE SANTAMARIA.THE
DAN ROOKWOOD40 GQ.COM.AUAUGUST 2018