People Australia - June 11, 2018

44

FUNNY SHIT WIN!

$20 LETTERS $50 PICTURES

JOKES

Cereal offender
A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD told his four-
year-old brother, “I think we’re grown
up enough to start swearing.”
His brother nodded.
“When we go downstairs I’m going
to swear first, then you swear after me,
OK?” ordered the seven-year-old.
Once again his brother nodded.
They got to the breakfast table and their
mother asked what they wanted to eat.
The seven-year-old said, “Shit, Mum,
I guess I’ll have some shitting Coco Pops.”
His mum reached across and smacked
him so hard across the mouth he flew out
of his chair.
She glared at the four-year-old and said,
“So what do you want for breakfast?”
“I don’t know,” he blubbered, “but it won’t
be fucking Coco Pops.”

AF, SA

Ball tampering
A BLOKE went into a doctor’s office and
said, “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up
my arse.”
“How’s that?” said the doctor.
“Don’t you start,” said the bloke.
FI, NSW

Mortal combat

Q. WHAT’S the difference

between sin and shame?

A. It’s a sin to put it in, but it’s

a shame to pull it out.

Minge, Qld

Old birds

THE annual bird migration season was fast

approaching. Two elderly vultures decided

they couldn’t be fucked flying south for the

winter, so they booked a couple of airline

tickets instead.

As they were checking their baggage in, the

attendant noticed they were each carrying

a dead raccoon.

“Do you want to check those raccoons in

as baggage?” she asked.

“Nah, mate,” said one of the vultures,

“they’re carrion.”

Ernie, Vic

Even, Steven

A LITTLE bloke was sitting at the bar

drinking a beer when Steven Seagal came

up to him, punched him in the face and

said, “That’s kung fu from China.”

The little bloke picked himself up and

went back to drinking his beer.

A bit later Seagal came back over, kicked

him in the guts and said, “And that’s karate

from Japan.”

The little bloke stormed out of the bar

and came back with a shovel. He marched

up behind Seagal, knocked him out cold

with an almighty swing, then turned to the

Send your gags toFunny Shit, c/-People, GPO Box 4088, Sydney, NSW 2001, or email it to

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THE GAG REEL

The best one-liners from professional jokers

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ANDREW DICE CLAY

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BEST

JOKE

A PRIEST was fishing on a dock when he

reeled in a big ’un. A passing sailor cried,

“Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!”

“Language!” gasped the priest.

“I’m sorry, Father,” said the sailor,

thinking on his feet. “I didn’t mean to

offend you but, um, they call that species

of fish a ‘fucker’.”

The priest thanked the sailor for

educating him and took the fish back

to his church.

“Look at this huge fucker!” he grinned

to the bishop as he walked in.

“You can’t talk like that in God’s house,”

said the outraged bishop.

The priest explained the fish was called

a fucker and gave it to the bishop. The

bishop cleaned and gutted it, then went

to see the mother superior.

“Hey, could you cook this fucker for our

dinner?” he asked.

“I’ve never heard such filth, and out of

the mouth of a bishop, too,” snapped the

mother superior.

But he explained the fish was called a

“fucker”, so the mother superior agreed

to cook it for the Pope, who was coming

for supper.

At the dinner table, the Pope tasted the

fish and was impressed.

“Where did you find such fine-tasting

fare?” he asked.

“I caught the fucker,” beamed the priest.

“And I cleaned the fucker,” smiled the

bishop.

“And I cooked the fucker,” laughed the

mother superior.

The Pope looked at them for a minute,

put his feet on the table, took a big swig

of wine and said, “You know what? You

cunts are alright.”

Vinnie, Vic

Fishing for compliments