delicious UK – April 2018

Do you agree with Lauren or do you

take a dierent view? Tell us at

[email protected]

we’llprintthebestreplies

Theymakeyoufeellike

an idiot for daring to ask

foratable...They’repart

bouncer, part St Peter

with an iPad

ILLUSTRATION: ISTOCK/GETTY IMAGES

I’mverysorryItriedto

eatatyourrestaurant

130 deliciousmagazine.co.uk

abledinerswhosimplywouldn’tbeableto

standinthestreetforanhour,noteven

forthebestcacio e pepe in the world.

But my special peeve is reserved for the

door staff. Not the harried, apologetic

ones–lordknowstheyhaveenoughto

putupwith–buttheoneswhomakeyou

feellikeatotalidiotforevendaringtoask

foratable.Youknow,thepower-trippers:

part bouncer, part St Peter with an iPad.

“I...Idon’tsupposethere’sanychance

ofatablefortwoisthere?”youwhisper,

knowing before the words have left your

lipsthattheanswerisgoingtobeamix

ofpityandmockery.“Tchuh!”comesthe

reply,anoisesomewherebetweenalaugh,

snortandscoff.“Wedon’thaveanything

untilatleast9:45pm–twoweekson

Thursday.” Then they tell you to move out

of the way of the actual, sainted

a good rant.

T

S Eliot declared April “the

cruellestmonth”–asentiment

that seems confusing (had he not

metJanuary?) until you find yourself

standing in the rain, without a brolly,

waitingfor your dinner.

This season of sudden, squally showers

isallwellandgoodifyou’rewatching

nature’s showcase through the windows

ofanoven-warmedkitchen,butnotif

you’vesetyoursightsonthatimpenetrable

fortressofthefoodscene:arestaurantthat

doesn’ttakereservations.Thetrendbegan

in London but, like the hype, it’s spreading

–soifyourlocalpavementsaren’tyetbeset

byhordesofhungrypunters,justwait.

Theno-bookingsrestaurantbrings

much to whinge about. There’s the panic

onapproachingtheplacepre-6pmtofind

a queue already snaking out the door.

There are the cold feet, the sharp elbows,

theslewoffranticWhatsApps.Thehaving

toeatyourdinnerateitherageriatric

5:30pm or a basically-breakfast 10pm,

both of which necessitate extra meals to

keep you going. Not to mention never

beingabletotakeyourin-lawsbecause

youdon’twanttomakethemstandinthe

street for an hour – or the difficulty for less

The new raft of no-bookings restaurants

areannoyingenoughwithouttheadditional

irritation of power-tripping door staf,

says writer and food lover Lauren Bravo

customers, and try to sweep you out

like old crumbs. You apologise for your

audacity(imagine!Tryingtoarrangeto

give them money in exchange for food!)

andreverseout,bowing,beforegoingto

sit quietly in Burger King and think about

whatyou’vedone.Orperhapsyoupoutand

sigh,hopingifyoulookdesolateenough

theymightsuddenlyrememberasecret

tablebytheloosandgiveittoyououtof

pity.Ormaybeyousplutterandrage?It

doesn’tmatter,becausetheendresultis

thesame.Nodinnerforyou,chump.

Iunderstandthatthealternativeto

the no-reservations approach is hot

restaurants with three-month waiting

lists,andnobodywantsthateither.Butif

we’restuckwithno-bookingsrestaurants,

canwepleasecurbtheattitudethat goes

with them? A sympathetic smile, that’s all

Iask.Atacitacknowledgementthatthis

whole hoopla is vaguely ridiculous, and

a“betterlucknexttime”.

Thewarmwelcomemayindeedbe

dispensablesolongastherearequeues

outthedoor,buteveryhotnewplacecools

offeventually–especiallyifit’spouring.

So please don’t leave us with a sour taste

before we’ve even made it to a table.