The New York Times Magazine - USA (2022-05-08)

The New York Times Magazine 45

history, before so much else about the human

body changed. It may be an example of ‘‘the

evolutionary lag phenomenon,’’ they wrote. The

problem isn’t that these openings in our sinus-

es are in the wrong place; they’re positioned

perfectly, relative to how we held our heads

when we were apes. The problem is that they

stayed that way. Cognitively, as a species, we

may have been ready to stand up and fl ourish

into the sophisticated creatures we are now. But

our sinuses weren’t ready and never changed.

From a certain perspective, then — a sinus-

centric perspective — we’re all walking around in

a condition that’s against our very nature. Unless

our actual nature is to try to transcend our nature:

to struggle perpetually to do the diffi cult thing,

in diffi cult circumstances, for which we are not

perfectly built.

Which one is it? This was Manolete’s dilemma.

As it turns out, it’s written just under the surface

of every human face.

It has been 15 years since my friends spotted

that photograph in Spain, and I’m now a dozen

years older than Manolete was when he was

killed. I’ve lost my wavy black hair, and some-

times, when I look quickly at pictures of myself,

I see a hollowness under my eyes that wasn’t

always there. Still, the resemblance seems to be

intact; if I show someone a photograph of the

beleaguered-looking matador, they’re usually

still startled and laugh just as hard. And it still

feels uncanny to me, too, even though it’s now

even eerier to mark the diff erences between

our two faces: the crow’s feet and other lines

spreading through mine, and all the other ways

it’s diverging from the one that never got to age.

Recently, after years of defl ecting doctors’

concerns, I got a procedure to reinforce the

weakened portion of my gums — a minor bit of

maintenance that will buy my teeth some time.

But evidently, I’m still committed to living with

the headaches and all the other fallout; a couple

of years ago, when I went to see a new dentist,

I didn’t even politely hear out her spiel about

nose jobs and jaw surgeries. Instead, I aff ected a

kind of amiable world-weariness about the whole

predicament, then smiled crookedly, leaned back

in the chair and wrenched open my ramshackle

jaw as wide as I could manage so that she’d just

get on with the exam.

Some stories are valuable because they build

toward a clear moral, a principle or set of instruc-

tions to have on hand when a certain kind of

problem comes at you. But others just describe

a problem you haven’t discerned before. These

stories have value, too, even if they don’t get you

any closer to a solution. The saga of Manolete is,

for me, this second category of story — though

I’ve spent half my adulthood stubbornly trying

to force it into the fi rst.

We all know that it takes courage to make

peace with who we really are. Except, of course,

if who we really are is a prisoner of inertia or fear

or self-destructiveness or apathy or depression

— in which case, we all know that making peace

with that self would just be giving up, and that

the courageous thing to do is to fi ght against

our essential self and transform ourselves into

someone stronger.

The problem is it’s often impossible to tell

these scenarios apart: to understand when

acceptance is Zen-like and healthy and when

it’s just going to get you gored by a bull.

In the end, this is what I really look like a lot of

the time — spun around and confused, charging

determinedly toward one illusory ideal only to

skid to a stop and double back to chase the other.

Maybe you’ve had the same fi ght with your-

self. Maybe I look like you, too.’

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Fill the grid with digits so as not to repeat a digit in any row or column, and so that the digits within each heavily outlined
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SPELLING BEE

Influence (3 points). Also: Clinic, effluence, elfin, ennui,

feline, fence, fennel, funnel, incline, innie, lifeline, linen,

niece, nuclei, uncle. If you found other legitimate

dictionary words in the beehive, feel free to include

them in your score.

BLANK EXPRESSIONS

Answers to puzzles of 5.1.22

Answers to puzzle on Page 48

AHA LTE SCHMO ISH NIB

REXREED SHOOINS DUALIPA

PHLEGMY FORTLEE ABRAHAM

WAP GOOD EATS ADS

ANGELENO PAPAL WAR ZONE

DEADHEAD TOG CASUALSEX

LASSI PLANETEARTH SOAMI

ITS DOTIME LOCALS GET

BOYS DUE IBARS HMO SEAS

OWEN CLARIONELON

ABASE EWE DMS EID SUGAR

LANAIS TOOK OVER FIGARO

ARI REEF LAHTI ETRE SMU

B SIDES AERATED HARP ON

ABEFORTAS MIO ROCKSOLID

MATS SOLARSAIL DIRE

ACE LUPINE PEDANT NED

KARATE ENDUSER GOOSES

EBERT OUSTS SLOPE

SWEATS IT MAR STAR DATE

TILDE SNOWPIERCER HUMOR

ADAMS ETPHONEHOME ACELA

TENET SEAN TOTS TENDS

The empty squares can be filled with the letters of SPACE OUT,

reading top to bottom, to complete new words and phrases.

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SPIRAL

INWARD: 1-5. Tiber 6-13. Arsenals 14-20. Uber app

21-27. Macedon 28-39. Arrest record 40-46. Nastily

47-54. Adderall 55-60. Ocelot 61-66. Anacin 67-70.

Omen 71-76. Mailed 77-82. Rococo 83-88. No-cost

89-100. Underreports

OUTWARD: 100-96. Strop 95-91. Erred 90-86. Nutso

85-80. Conoco 79-72. Cordelia 71-64. Mnemonic 63-57.

Anatole 56-49. Collared 48-43. Daylit 42-37. Sandro

36-33. Cert 32-26. Serrano 25-20. Decamp 19-16. Pare

15-8. Bus lanes 7-1. Rarebit

FOR STARTERS HASHI

3 3 3

1 1

3 3 3 1

3 3

5 5

1 3

3 5 3 1

3 3

1 3 1

M

W

T

J

S

P O I R O T

U N L A C E

K A B U K I

A C U M E N

F O R A Y S