31
31FEBRUARY2016cruisingworld.comON WATCHthe labels on all our shipboard items,
putting about a quarter of them into a
growing pile on the main cabin sole.
I ignored him and instead concentrated
on being a genial host. Soon I had them
rolling in the scuppers, so to speak, with
my tales of doing very stupid things in
very silly places.
Eventually, however, since no one was
making a move to clear us in, I asked, “So,
are we done here?”
“We haven’t even begun,” said their
leader, who then conferred with the lanky
dude. Then, turning his attention back to
me, he said, “I’m amazed how nonchalant
you are, skipper, in view of the fact we’ve
already found eight separate violations.”
Slim could barely read any English,
but had evidently trained himself to spot
dates. Thus, his job was to go aboard and
find any visible items with any visible
dates so his masters could threaten the
skipper with a dreaded violation.
I smiled, though I didn’t mean to.
There is nothing that infuriates these
guys more. It was like waving a red flag
in front of them. They immediate-
ly launched a flood-and-split routine by
rushing below and heading for opposite
ends of our vessel. With fi ve of them run-
ning their fingers lovingly through our
gear, it was impossible to keep track. One
of the youngest spotted my hat collec-
tion, murmured an “Oh, wow!” and de-
manded a mirror.
I opened a nearby hanging locker so he
could see himself. He tried on every hat,
pulling a gangsta face with each. Finally,
he said happily, “I’ll take this one!”
Before I could say, “Oh no, you won’t,”
another fellow started handing out new
copies of my books, saying, “Gosh, your
sailing stories are funny!”
Meanwhile a guy in the aft cabin plucked
a Boker ceramic blade from my pile of
boat knives, and said, matter-of-factly,
“You have fi ve knives. I’ll take one.” That
was just as Slim came to me with great
sadness. He solemnly showed me an al-
most empty aspirin bottle with an expired
use-by date on it.
“This is not only a violation,” he said.
“This is a drug violation, which makes it
much more serious.”
I looked him straight in the eye. (Car-
olyn immediately slid up on my starboard
side, gave my butt a little squeeze, smiled,
and whispered to me, “Easy, boy.”) I took a
deep breath, because there is always time
for a deep breath, and I thought to my-
self, things could suddenly get far worse
or remarkably better. Then I decided to
do nothing to escalate and everything to
alleviate.
“Hey, guys,” I said with a smile. “Time
to head back on deck. Sure, that hat does
make you look like Tupac! And, absolute-
ly, I’d be honored if you guys read my
books.” Then I turned, reached for the
knife, and added, “Alas, that carbon-fi ber
Boker with the newly patented liner lock
was used by my great-great-grandfather
aboard the Mayfl ower. Sorry about that!”
Here’s the truth of it: These five
grown men didn’t think they were doing
anything wrong. They’d just met us by
happy circumstance, and it appeared we
wanted to pretty much shower them end-
lessly with expensive gifts. Sure, they’d
pointed out a few “problems,” as the job
demanded, but mostly they just enjoyed
our company. The kinder, gentler side ofme understood their point of view: We
obviously had money to burn, so why not
allow us to burn it in their presence?
Best of all, once they realized the free-
bie party was over, they curtly informed
us that actually, this wasn’t an official
port-of-entry anymore anyway, and we
should try Bali instead.
“You mean the joke is on us?” Carolyn
asked.
“She’s just kidding,” I said as I unobtru-
sively kicked her. “Our pleasure!”Carolyn and Fatty Goodlander just returned
to Singapore fr om Hong Kong in time to at-
tend their granddaughter’s 5th birthday party.Antares Yachts
843.725.8412
http://www.liveantares.comThe world’s best
liveaboard
Charleston, USA
Buenos Aires, AR