PARTINGSHOTS
138 SEPTEMBER 2019 |COMPUTERSHOPPER|ISSUE 379
Zygote
What withthegovernmenttellingporkies,robotstakingoverFacebookand thecops
scanning hisfizzogeverytimehegoesout,Zygotedecidesit’stimetohit thewhisky
FACEBOT
Facebook’slatest Transparency
Report reveals that 2.2 billion
fake accountswere removed
during the first three monthsof
this year.Far from being atypo,
that’s aboast by Facebookto say
it can spot automated accounts
within afew minutes and
stranglethem at birth.
But it’s aworryingboast as
farasZygoteisconcerned,
seeing as the official numberof
active Facebookusers is 2.38
billion. If the robots get any
smarter,the inevitable will
happenand all Facebookusers
will be identifiedas fake.SEEN NOTHURD
Zygoterefuses to name the
middle-agedman prosecuted
after arun-in with the
MetropolitanPolice in London.
The cops were testing their
new facial recognitionsystem
on the streets of Romford by
capturingrandomimagesof
the public and then running
them againstthe Police
NationalDatabase.
The man in questionwas
unwillingto be filmed and under
no obligationto cooperate
whatsoever,and he expressedhis
feelings by turningup his collar
and pulling down the peak of his
baseballcap.This displeasedthe
plod more than somewhatand
theypromptlyapprehendedhim.After it was establishedthat
he was completely innocentof
any crime or misdemeanour,he
was saddledwith the ludicrous
charge of ‘disorderlybehaviour’
and fined £90.
But at least he was aware he
was being scannedby biometric
cameras.Zygoteismore
concernedaboutcitizenswhoare
scannedwithouttheir knowledge
andwronglyidentifiedaspossible
criminals.Their data is stored in
the Old Bill’s computers, and if it
transpirestheyare innocentor if
no action is taken againstthem,
their data is kept on the database
anyway‘just in case’.
The Minister of Statefor
Policing, NicholasRichardHurd,
has assuredus all that “we are
not apolice state, and have no
intention of becomingone”.
Youmay send your messagesof
supportto him at 32 High Street,
Northwood,HA6 1BN.ROGANGHOST
Joe Rogan is the host of a
popularpodcastservicein which
he spouts comic output to the
tune of $25m in audience
revenues.Meanwhile,RealTalk is
aneural networkthat has been
programmedby engineersat
Dess, based in Toronto, and
the results are what experts
reckon to be the most realistic
simulationof the human voice
ever achieved.Theyhavesynthesiseda
virtual Joe Rogan, who not only
spouts comedyin the voice of
the originalhuman model, but
RealTalk mimicsthe speech
patterns, vocabularyand
deliveryto perfection.
So why payacelebrityall that
moneywhen you can get an AI
system to do the same job and
paythem absolutely nothing?
And then there is the amusing
possibilityof producing
artificiallycreated speechesby
politicianswith distinctivevoices,
and makingthem spout lies and
gibberish.Come to think of it,
that’s been happeningforyears.BOTTOMS UP
MackmyraWhiskyisaSwedish
distillerywith an automated
nose forbusiness.The company
has uploadedevery bit of its
blendingdata intoanAzure
CognitiveServicesprogram,
along with all its sales records,
customer preferences and
productionfactors such as the
effect on flavour of different
types of casks.
Mackmyrais delighted to
confirmthat the software has
identifiedashortlistof optimum
parameters forproducingthe
perfect blend of whisky, so it is
now asimple matter of the
human palettetasting each of
the optionsavailable.All 68
million of them.DOWN LOADS
Good news. UK downloadspeeds
have officially rocketed at arate
of 18% over the past 12 months,
and are reckonedto have hit the
dizzyingheightsof 54.2Mbit/son
average.This is apromise fulfilled
by the governmentthat the
whole of the UK will have access
to speeds of at least 10Mbit/sby
the end of this year.Except for
one unfortunatefact. It won’t.
At the time of writing,the
global average downloadspeed
forfixed-linebroadbandis
57.9Mbit/s.In other words, no
matter what the government
claims, the UK is falling further
behind the rest of the world
when it comes to online
connectionspeeds.
To put this intocontext, in
South-eastLondon some speeds
are currentlyclockedat 5Mbit/s.
In backwaters like Romania, the
average speed is 130Mbit/s.GOODVIBRATIONS
US DistrictJudge JeffreySWhite
has approved aclass action
againstLovense,the Chinese
manufacturerof Bluetooth sex
toys.Thisisafteritwasfoundthat
Lovense indulgesin unauthorised
storage of customers’ personal
data, includingtheir personal
email addresses,and the date,
time,locationand ‘pleasure
intensity level’ of users of their
neon-pinkLush vibrators.
When used with the firm’s
Body-Chat app,the Lush smart
dildos can be controlledby one
consentingparty when inserted
intothe other consentingparty,
whetherthe two consenting
parties are in close proximityto
one anotheror continentsapart.
The manufacturerstried to
argue that theywere practising
‘the ordinarycourse of business’
by recordingand storing how
often and how intense their users
like to share their pleasures,but
Judge Whiteconcludedthat this
constitutes interceptionof
privatecommunications,and hit
the companywith aviolationof
the WiretapAct.