MEL’SWORLD
8 SEPTEMBER 2019 |COMPUTERSHOPPER|ISSUE 379
Armageddonoutofhere
TRADEWARSAREdangerous.
When tariffs are imposed,and
when sanctionsget slappedon,
and one nation ceases to trade
with anothernation, then atrade
war has afunny habit of turning
intoareal war.And here we all
are,slap bang in the middle of a
lulu of atrade war betweenthe
world’stwo most powerfulstates.
This is atrade war that’s not
based on essentialslike oil or
wheat or toilet paper,but atrade
war based on the pixies and
fairy-dust of software algorithms.
One dayapeace treaty is waved,
next daymissiles are launched.
Luckily,thanks to my lengthy
lead-in scheduleforsubmitting
my words forpublication,you
can read this page in non-digital
printed format. Which is just as
well, becauseIreckon by the time
issue379ofComputerShopperhits
the shelves,we’ll have entered
the Post-DigitalDark Age.
The proxy war between
DonaldTrump and Xi Jinping
didn’t affect me much, seeing as
I’dneverownedaHuaweihandsetor run anythingof the Android
persuasion.To be honest,Iadmit
Idid find some amusementin the
fact that Americancellphone
zombiesbecametotally bereftat
the prospectof not being able to
view YouTube clips of puppiesin
pantieson their little Chinese
screens.All Icould saytothose
moronswas –suck it up guys,
you had it coming!
Here’s how it played out
betweenthe time Trump changed
his mind yet again and the time
you managedto light atallow
candle to read these words in
your bunkers.
In the first fewhours of the
denial of service attacks,thebewildermentand confusionof
being unable to access social
media apps soon turned to anger.
This was triggeredby the fact
that the masseswere unable to
access social media apps to tell
one anotherthat theycould not
access social media apps.
Theysoon realisedthey
couldn’t rememberany contact
details of any of their virtual
friends,or why theywere virtual
friends in the first place.Neither
could theyrememberwhere they
were,orwhere anythingelse was,
or how to find their wayaround
the real world at all.APP-OCALYPSENOW
And withoutthe Uber app they
found themselvesphysically
maroonedwithin the perimeters
of their ignorance.Deliveroo
failed to respondthe following
day, so to avoid starvation,
people who had astrong sense of
smell managedto find their way
to Wetherspoons.But the
computer tills were down and
ale-washedriots began when the
beer ran out, as slow-motion
customers blamedEuropeforthe
fact that China and the USA were
having asoftware spat.
That night, the younger,more
active elementsof societywent
on the rampageand looted Tesco
forpot noodles,which was a
wasteofeffort becausethe
electrickettles no longer worked,
thanks to smart-meter reliance
on dodgy apps. Tuesdayevening,
after martial law and compulsory
prayers, the county lines failed
to supply recreationaldrugs to
their app-drivenclient base,and
hospitalswere targeted to fill
the gap in the market.Amusing
video clips of the descentinto
chaos were not shared,not
becauseof any sense of social
responsibility,but because
Instagramwas kaput. This added
to the howlingrage of the mob
more than somewhat.
Then, not long after the dogs
began to disappear,the hunting
of the weak began, and there wasthe smell of woodsmokeand
bacon in the air.Onamore
positivenote, alot of overweight
people slimmeddown fast
and learnednew skills such
as shadowpuppetryand
crossbowproduction.WILLYOFTHEPEOPLE
And so it was that all those
predictionsthat civilisationwould
end as the result of electro-
magnetic-pulseattacksturned
out to be wrong. There was no
need to launch missiles,zap
communicationsor fry every
electroniccircuit in the land. All it
took was an old man with an
orange face to start awilly-
waving contest. The irony that
the old man’s preferred means of
communicationwas Twitter is not
lost on me,but then Idon’t need
Google Maps to tell me that we’re
all up shit creek withoutapaddle.
Besides,Google Maps stopped
workingon dayone,along with all
those other apps.
In the dim and distant past of
acouple of monthsago,when
TheresaMaywas in hiding and
Britain was acountry,the then
Foreign Secretarydelivereda
keynotespeech at Lancaster
House in what used to be the City
of London. He not only admitted
that British statehackers had
alreadybeen used againstforeign
states, he declaredthat “offensive
hackingis now Britain’s primary
goal againstunacceptable
behaviour and any breach of
internationallaw”.
Simultaneously,the then
Defence Secretaryannounceda
massiveincreasein expanding
“offensivecyber units”.The
reason forthis was as follows:
“Cyber enemiesthink theycan
act with impunity.Wemust show
them theycan’t. We are ready to
respondat atime and place of
our choosingin any domain,not
just the virtual world.”
Andthat,dearreaderof inkon
paper,isexactly what happened,
and how come we all ended up
on the Huaweito Hell.MEL CROUCHER
Tech pioneerand all-roundgood egg
[email protected]By the timeissue379ofComputer Shopper
hits the shelves, we’ll have enteredthe
Post-DigitalDarkAge
It’s theend of theworld aswe know it,andMelCroucherfeelsfine.Unfortunately,the
same can’tbesaidfor thedesperate,ravenoushordesoutside hisfront door