‘ME MAN, YOU WOMAN’
On a sunny Saturday afternoon in June 2011 I’ve spent the better part of
an hour talking to two young friends. The meeting is noteworthy as much
for what is said as for what occurs unsaid:
One of the boys describes himself as Iraqi, aged 22 and the other as Yugoslavian, aged- Both are children of political refugees and grew up in this neighbourhood. They are
chilling on the square after work and have approached me to ask what my business is
on the square. They answer my question set and our conversation continues on about
work, future prospects, working night shifts, partaking in the lottery, their logo-ridden
crossover purse-bags, but also about getting hassled by the police, about hard drugs
versus soft drugs, about getting a personal letter from the municipality that you are
being monitored, just when you are trying to keep on the right track, and back to what
it is like to be the child of political refugees that have never emotionally settled in their
new country. The sun is shining, the atmosphere on the square is pleasant and I believe
I am not the only one enjoying this conversation. Then something shifts. One of the
boysas I am twice their age I consider them boysstarts to talk about his girlfriend,
one of his many girlfriends actually, she’s Dutch, and he plays dirty games with her,
because that is what she likes. So...What about me? Do I also like to play dirty
games? You know, dirty sex games?
It is one in many incidents in which a male collocutor directs our conversa-
tion into the sexual domain.
Whenever a conversation becomes explicitly sexual, I invariably indicate
to my collocutor that I am not comfortable with the turn in the conversa-
tion. Whenever I fail to steer the conversation clear again from sexual
innuendos, I leave the scene whilst making clear the reason why, and return
again a couple of hours later or a day later.^11 On the whole the innuendos
are not overtly aggressive, but they are not friendly pleasantries, nor com-
plimentary overtures. I rebuff the recurrent comments on the size of my
bum without too much ado, but at one point I find myself seriously irri-
tated by the remark that ‘one learns best on an old bicycle’.^12 It took me
some time to realize that the fact that I allowed myself to think of them as
‘boys’, but did not appreciate being denoted ‘an old bicycle’ myself went to
the crux of these exchanges. On the whole, I did not have the feeling that
the sexual innuendos were a strategy to elicit a sexual response from me.
I do not believe I was of veritable sexual interest to the majority of the
young men making the remarks. The sexual innuendos, in my perception,
were not primarily about sex.
The shift of the conversation into the sexual domain occurred invariably
whenI did not expect it, when I felt confident and at ease. The shift would
take place on those occasions when I felt in rapport with my collocutors.
I experienced the sexual innuendos as a tactic to recalibrate the balance, to
8 DANIELLE CHEVALIER