Of the many endlessly recurring questions my
two young children like to ask me, one of the
most persistent has become, “What were things
like when you were little?” They seem genuinely
curious, as though they are slowly beginning
to comprehend that “time” is a real thing and
that the world around them has perhaps not
always been as it is. Did I play Minecraft? Did
my teachers hit me? Had fridges been invented?
Was I ever in a war? All vital data points, in
their view, for mapping an understanding of
their father’s distant Eighties upbringing.
But even when I give them answers – no;
no; yes; not really, although I suppose I could
have been nuked at any point, terrifying how
close it came to that at times, you know – they
don’t seem satisfied. In fact, it just makes
them ask more questions, which leads to me
introducing them to strange new concepts like
“Ceefax” and “British Bulldog”, which, in turn,
leads to yet more questions. And so on.
Eventually, though, they will glance at each
other and ask the same thing: “So... was it better
to be a kid then, or to be a kid now?” The first
few times, I told them it was impossible to
answer. But that’s not what they wanted to hear,
so they just kept asking. In the end I promised
that I would sit down, give it some thought
and produce a systematic comparison. Which
is exactly what I’ve done. Observe.TV The idea of “just having to watch whatever
was on” is impossible to explain to a modern
child. Rather than having Pixar pumped into
your frontal lobes at the swipe of a finger,
I say, we had a simple choice between Little
House on the Prairie, horse racing or the film
Brigadoon, which you were legally obliged to
watch while sitting beside a chain-smoking
great-grandmother. If you wanted to “stream”
a TV show, you just had to imagine it in your
head, possibly, if you were very lucky, with the
help of some pictures you’d seen in the Radio
Times. One-nil to modern childhood.Fashion I recently spent a long time talking
to my children about shell suits. They didn’t
seem that interested until I mentioned how
flammable they were. That made them sit up.
At one theme park, I told them, kids in shell
suits were strictly prohibited from going down
the helter-skelter because the friction of the
descent generated enough heat to make them
instantly immolate. Girls doused in Elnett were
as good as dead. So while I don’t love the fact
that kids today all dress as if they’re going toGlastonbury, I also accept it’s a good thing that
their clothes probably won’t combust. Two-nil.Emotional wellbeing On the one hand, it’s
really admirable how children are encouraged
to share their feelings, mediate, practise
self-care etc. On the other hand, after I’d
experienced six months of bullying at primary
school, a dinner lady once advised that I
simply “punch” the boy who had been making
my life miserable. So I did. And he left me
alone. Life has been great ever since. Two-one.Cuisine There is no question that children
today have access to an infinitely greater range
of foods, flavours and nutrition than I ever
did. Not even close. But then I told them about
the sheer ubiquity of Wagon Wheels, after
which they both insisted – with a strength of
conviction I had never before seen in them- that they’d rather have grown up in the
Eighties. Two-two!
Technology My children have learnt not to
ask about how landline phones used to work,
because all it does is prompt their mother and
me to stand up and start reciting every single
number we still have memorised. We’re like a
pair of Dustin Hoffmans in Rain Man, albeit no
use in a casino but quite handy if you wanted
to order a takeaway pizza from 1989. Modern
childhood retakes the lead. 3-2.Characters My children’s lives are bereft of the
kind of odd, eerie but nevertheless compelling
old-world individuals who once seemed to
populate my own. They will never know the
strange thrill of hearing a rag and bone man
approaching. Today there are no French
Onion Men, with their berets and Breton
tops, who would cycle the suburbs and sell
door to door. I suppose “seeing a Frenchman”
doesn’t sound so thrilling in 2022. But this
was Yorkshire in the Eighties. It was major.
I told my horrified son and daughter that their
grandmother once had the evil eye put on her
by an old woman she declined to buy some
clothes pegs from. “Was it scary?” they wanted
to know. Nah, it was great, I told them. Most
exciting thing that happened all year. Better
than anything on Netflix. By my count that
makes it a 3-3 draw, although my children
didn’t seem entirely convinced. I dunno.
I guess you had to be there. nRobert Crampton is awayWagon Wheels,
landlines – and four
more reasons why
it was better to
be a kid in the
Eighties (mostly)
© Times Newspapers Ltd, 2022. Published and licensed by Times Newspapers Ltd, 1 London Bridge Street, London SE1 9GF (020 7782 5000). Printed by Prinovis UK Ltd, Liverpool. Not to be sold separately.KATIE WILSON
Beta male
Ben Machell
*