THENEWYORKER,M AY16, 2022 27
SHOUTS & MURMURS
T
he radical left’s panties are in a twist
over the hordes of extraterrestrial
aliens who—based on little more than
wild speculation from quack scientists
and so-called Pentagon videos—they
claim will kill us all in their ravenous
hunt throughout the galaxy for energy
sources. (Cocks head quizzically.) Huh. I
guess extraterrestrials are anthropomor-
phically cute so long as they fill the cof-
fers of liberal billionaire filmmaker Ste-
ven Spielberg and his shadowy cabal of
global financiers.
Before you cower in your bunker, ask
yourself a few questions. (Squints in con-
stipated bafflement.) Has an extraterres-
trial alien ever gotten into college over
your more qualified child? Are extra-
terrestrial aliens gouging you at the gas
pump? Has an extraterrestrial alien tried
to sue you for sexual harassment over a
polite invitation to enjoy a few glasses
of champagne while viewing your pri-
vate bow-tie collection?
No. The extraterrestrials have no in-
terest in formal education, having al-
ready absorbed all our data through pro-
cesses we don’t yet understand; they fuel
their spaceships not with oil but with
animal organs; and, as intrepid visitors
from another solar system, they reject
our country’s prevailing “victim” men-
tality. In fact, until seven hours ago, when
a fleet of thirty-two thousand space-
craft repelled every nation’s defense sys-
tem and simultaneously landed in two
hundred and fifty-six equidistant loca-
tions around the globe, an extraterres-
trial alien had never even set foot on
Earth, let alone dug up an old photo
that the woke police now deem racist,
showing you in costume for an “Ante-
bellum South” party you attended way
back in the late twenty-tens.
You know it, I know it, and Joe Biden
knows it—assuming his advisers thought
it was worth interrupting his afternoon
nap. (Chortles uncontrollably for longer
than any person would when telling a joke
that he’s already rehearsed three times.) So
why does the warmongering left insist
we get drawn into a bloody fight with
extraterrestrial aliens who are simply cre-
ating impenetrable domes around our
economically and morally bankrupt cit-
ies—domes that many people, inciden-
tally, believe would help with climate
change, assuming it actually existed?
Hmm ... I wonder if all this panic
over extraterrestrial aliens is meant to
distract Americans’ attention from the
very terrestrial aliens who are pouring
across our open borders, pushing hard-
working citizens out of jobs in manu-
facturing, farming, and Nascar driving.
Everyone agrees the aliens possess
advanced laser-beam technology, but
rational people understand that it’s not
anything to worry about. Yet, in the
alarmist mainstream media, all you see
is laser-beam panic. These beautiful
beams of blinding white light have been
used for nothing other than the world-
wide vaporization of salamanders. You
heard me right: salamanders. (Smirks
like a preppie in a nineteen-eighties movie
as he humiliates the working-class pro-
tagonist before yelling at his unexpectedly
kindhearted blond girlfriend to get in his
red convertible.) The Democrats would
have you believe that this was a warn-
ing shot, a demonstration of the aliens’
awesome might. The Democrats would
also have you believe that they have al-
ways cared so, so deeply about salaman-
ders. (Furrows brow to pantomime the
fictitious notion of empathy.) “Oh, the
poor salamanders, we must protect them
at all costs and send our sons off to die
in the Great Salamander War.” (Scowls
as an old-money scion would upon being
told that his country club will be forced to
integrate.) Salamanders are slimy, re-
pulsive amphibians. They have no place
in a decent society. Salamanders are a
massive pest to anyone who owns a
home in rural America—real Ameri-
cans, that is, with two middle names,
who attended private school in San
Diego. The aliens did us a huge favor
by shooting a thirteen-mile-wide laser
beam in Rio de Janeiro that branched
out into several billion rhizomatic ten-
tacles that instantaneously reduced every
salamander on Earth to a wisp of smoke.
Maybe instead of declaring death to
the aliens we should be writing them
a thank-you note for saving us a call to
the salamander exterminator.
The alien “invasion” is simply a pre-
text for a government invasion. First,
they made you put on a pointless mask,
then they forced you to get a dangerous
vaccine, and now they’re mandating a
ridiculous curfew, since the laser-beam
tentacles are effective only after sun-
down. I don’t know about you, but I’d
rather live under Xikon V’s intergalactic
rule than Joe Biden’s early-bird-special
tyranny. At least the former is a strong
leader who understands that a country
gets ahead through blue-collar grit,
family values, and developing an effi-
cient laser-beam-tentacle-to-organ-
harvesting-cauldron pipeline.
I’m being given the signal that it’s
time to wrap up by my new producer,
Zarg. Long live Xikon V. See you next
time on “Tucker Carlson Tonight,” the
show that is the sworn enemy of lying,
pomposity, smugness, and groupthink.
(Impressively manages to deliver catch-
phrase with a straight face.)
TUCKER CARLSON ON
THE ALIEN INVASION
BY TEDDYWAYNE
LUCI GUTIÉRREZ
