Time_Asia-November_06_2017

A new book argues that the treachery of cheating is not so black-and-white

IN 2016, THREE-QUARTERS OF AMERI-

cans believed that it is always wrong

to have sex with “someone other than

your marriage partner.” Exactly the

same proportion felt that way in 1991.

In the intervening quarter-century, the

number of people who think it should

be easier to divorce rose by a third.

Meanwhile, approval of same-sex mar-

riage increased about fourfold, to 68%.

Much of the definition of marriage

(how long it lasts, who it’s with) has

changed—just not our view of cheaters.

So it’s a brave woman who will

stick up for the adulterer, suggest

that satisfying one’s sexual hungers—

even at great cost to a loved one—is

understandable and advance the

notion of a “no-fault affair.” Such is

the task undertaken by Esther Perel,

a controversial couples therapist and

TED Talk star, in her new book,The

State of Affairs.

Most couples therapists encourage

more interpersonal honesty and

harmony as a way to juice up boudoir

ardor. But in her first book—the 2006

best sellerMating in Captivity—Perel,

the daughter of Holocaust survivors,

counseled distance, seeing partners

through others’ eyes and exploring the

dynamics of power to stimulate desire.

While the standard sexual advice is

to put a partner’s pleasure first, she

encouraged “ruthlessness” in bed.

Perel now argues that while

infidelity is a betrayal, that convenient

label ignores unsettling questions

about whether we are being realistic

in our most intimate relationships.

Drawing from her interactions with

the couples she sees in her practice,

‘THE ANSWER TO THE NATION’S CRIME SURGE: THE COLOR PINK.’—NEXT PAGE

RELATIONSHIPS

Affairs are

only human,

which is no

excuse to

have one

By Belinda Luscombe

GETTY IMAGES
PHOTOGRAPH BY JONATHAN KNOWLES