Time_Asia-November_06_2017

TIME November 6, 2017

VERBATIM

‘I’m happy with

my iPhone 8—

which is the

same as the

iPhone 7, which

is the same as

the iPhone 6,

to me.’

STEVE WOZNIAK,

Apple co-founder, saying

he’d “rather wait and

watch” than buy the

iPhone X on its Nov. 

release date

The View

she lays out some mitigating factors: Can the guy
whose wife with Alzheimer’s can’t remember
him have a girlfriend? Is watching Internet porn
equivalent to paying for a personalized online
performance? Is breaking up an otherwise
happy family because its creators are sexually
incompatible really better for everyone than
having a secret side lover? Perel also points out
that not all the unfaithful come from unhappy
marriages or are sexually compulsive or just jerks.
“Sometimes when we seek the gaze of another,”
she writes, “it’s not our partner we are turning
away from, but the person we have become.”
While Perel excels at setting the cat among the
pigeons, she’s less deft at mopping up the gizzards.
Her solutions to bedroom betrayal are often just
cuckoo. She suggests that one wife build an altar
to her husband’s paramour to remind her of how
the other woman reinvigorated her marriage. She
notes that some couples find that jealousy provokes
desire and “use others for a libidinal reboot.” She
ventures that it might be worth trying some form
of “consensual nonmonogamy” even though many
couples who do that still end up in therapy, with a
whole different set of equally confounding troubles.
“Monogamy is impossible,” François Truffaut said,
“but anything else is worse.”
The problem Perel never seems to grapple with
is that above all, lovers, like doctors, should do
no harm. As parents tell their kids, whether you
hit your friend by accident or deliberately, it still
stings pretty much the same. The simple question
at the heart of committing to somebody till death
is whether you can value that person’s needs ahead
of your own. The answer is often no, because we’re
only human. But to love is to make the attempt.
Moreover, Perel doesn’t acknowledge that peo-
ple who love their partners and still cheat don’t just
betray their families. They often find they’ve be-
trayed themselves. A Norwegian study published in
September reports that people who imagined they
had cheated found it hard to believe they would
be forgiven. This was true even though their part-
ners predicted they would be likely to forgive them.
The hypothetical cheaters’ beliefs accord with self-
perception theory, which suggests that people inter-
pret their own attitudes through their behavior. And
cheating makes them feel as if the person they have
become is not who they set out to be.
No, monogamy is not natural. But neither is
decoding the genome or auto racing, and nobody
thinks we should abandon those endeavors. Perhaps
the greatest value of Perel’s book is as an invitation
to resist judging other couples’ marital car crashes.
A failure of fidelity can be less an opportunity
for gawking and more a chance to applaud those
who spin out but decide to keep aiming for the
checkered flag. □

CHARTOON

Textual ambiguity

IN 1979, A PROFESSOR THOUGHT HE

had the answer to the nation’s crime

surge: the color pink. Specifically, as

Kassia St. Clair writes in her new book,

The Secret Lives of Color, “a sickly shade

of bright pink” akin to Pepto-Bismol. In

a study, he showed that just looking at

it weakened men. (Subsequent studies

had mixed results.)

Not long after, two

commanding officers

at the U.S. Naval

Correctional Center

in Seattle doused

their holding cells

in the color, which

would take their

names: Baker-Miller

pink. For the next five

months, the violent

episodes that had plagued the prison

ceased. Soon the shade popped up in

other prisons, as well as public housing,

buses and visiting football teams’ locker

rooms. So why is Baker-Miller pink rare

today? Chalk it up to lower crime rates

or prison workers likely not enjoying

it. The color’s full potential is still a

mystery. “Hundreds of questions remain

unanswered,” writes St. Clair, “until the

next crime wave perhaps.”

—SARAH BEGLEY

BOOK IN BRIEF

Why America isn’t as

pink as it used to be

JOHN ATKINSON, WRONG HANDS

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