real lives
JAN/FEB 2018 MARIECLAIRE.CO.ZA 37
was formally diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive
Disorder (OCD) last year. Before that, I had thought
I just suffered from anxiety. I had many rituals as a
child. I’d have to go out and wish on a star every night. It had
to be the fi rst star I saw and I’d have to wish for everyone
to be safe. If I didn’t do it, I was convinced everyone was in
danger. I’d also make a funny noise in my throat when I was
going to sleep. I was sure I wasn’t breathing – the noise was
my way of checking. It made me feel safe but it used to drive
my friends crazy when we had sleepovers.
‘Being a perfectionist, or liking things in a certain order,
does not make you OCD. OCD is a mental obsession fi lled
with doubt and fear. You experience intrusive, obsessive
thoughts that you have no control over and literally can’t stop
thinking. Then come the compulsions, actions you perform
to try to stop the obsessions. My compulsions are designed to
help me avoid my own thoughts (I often count continuously
in my head so I don’t think) or the things that trigger me.
‘Most of the time, the intrusive thoughts you get are
shameful and go against all your beliefs and morals. One
of the awful things about OCD is that it attacks the things
you love the most. For some people, that may be religion or
a relationship. In my case, it’s being a mother. I remember
hearing about a man who had raped a baby on the news.
I thought, ‘Who would do something like that?’ But, from
there, I had the intrusive thought, ‘What would happen
if I did something like that?’ Even though I knew it was
something I’d never do, the OCD ‘what ifs’ just wouldn’t go
away. I was tormented by them and it made me fearful of
myself. I began to avoid my eight-year-old son and all other
children just in case I was some sort of deviant person.
‘If I’m having a very bad episode it can take days,
sometimes weeks, to get a handle on it. It completely impacts
my day because it takes precedence over everything. I am
stuck in a living hell I can’t escape, a living hell other people
can’t see. When I’m having a good day, I’m able to catch the
obsession before it starts spiralling.
‘People with OCD are some of the kindest humans there
are. We’re more worried about harming other people than
anything else, and unfortunately that overtakes our lives.
We do not have any self-confi dence because it’s hard to
separate yourself from your thoughts. But understanding
that you are not your thoughts, and you cannot control
them, is the fi rst step to recovery.’os o e me e
nrusve ou s ou e
are s ame u an o a a ns
aoureesanmoras
- LISA BULPIN, 35, MARKETING MANAGER