real lives
JAN/FEB 2018 MARIECLAIRE.CO.ZA 39
*NAME HAS BEEN CHANGED
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‘Prior, I had consulted many medical professionals,
none of whom picked up my being autistic. However,
I always knew I was different – as if from another planet
or era, as if I were missing some large piece of the puzzle
that would help me to identify with myself. What I really
needed was an explanation for this difference. I searched
through information on autism in women and it helped
me to understand that there were others who process the
world differently, as I do.
‘Receiving a diagnosis helped me form my identity
and develop self-esteem. It forced me to come to
terms with and accept my past and current experiences.
It offered an explanation for feeling different. It gave me
an “appropriate” label – neurodivergent – which nullified
my internal thoughts that I was stupid and a freak.
It promoted self-acceptance as well as the acceptance
of, and understanding and support from, others. Being
correctly diagnosed has prevented any progressive and
persistent unhappiness, inappropriate treatment and
future psychiatric issues.
‘Many of my autistic traits, if not most of them, are
subtle and don’t conform to the typical characteristics
autism often presents. I deeply dislike social chitchat and
small talk, as I feel it serves no purpose, but I can do it if
necessary. I generally don’t share my interests with people
and will choose to listen to or engage in the interests
of others instead because, in my experience, they don’t
share in mine to the same extent. I like to have lengthy
discussions about psychological concepts and ideas,
which I deconstruct and analyse in great depth, and
I can become intense and obsessive in the process.
‘While social interactions like this don’t come to me
naturally, I can and do sincerely empathise with people.
I can also choose to discuss my feelings if I feel I need
to in order to be understood. But I find it difficult to
appropriately start and end social engagements, as the
timing and relevance of topics is often an issue. I’ve
had to teach myself to be socially assertive, charming
and charismatic.
‘People with autism tend to struggle to maintain deep,
connected relationships. I’m terrible at staying in contact
with family and friends; I never remember dates or events
that are important to them, such as birthdays. This may
come across as trivial, or not the end of the world, but
it causes me significant stress and confusion. It can be
isolating and lonely because in spite of my autism, I deeply
yearn for real relationships – everybody needs to love and
be loved. My last romantic relationship was seven years
ago; I became emotionally unstable because of how deep
my feelings ran, and it broke apart as a result.
‘Being autistic does not make me better or worse than
anyone else, it just makes me neurodivergent. Many of
the struggles that come with autism are only so because
society is geared towards neurotypically favoured
behaviours. If people could be less judgmental and
more accommodating, and realise that limitations are
natural, then the perceived autistic “problems” would be
normalised and less burdensome to those who experience
them, as well as less noticeable to others.’ mcost of my autistic signs are invisible to the
public. I spent 26 years of my life – that
is, until I was diagnosed – hiding them,
internalising my emotions and pretending to be countless
separate personalities and identities so that others would
accept and not judge me. After years of obsessively
observing and mimicking the behaviour of my peers,
family, and characters in films, I became an expert at it.
Now the acting out of neurotypical social skills is second
nature to me: I pass for “normal” quite easily.
‘When I was young, I presented very few signs of
autism other than not appearing interested in interacting
with children my age, and being shy, anxious, serious and
emotionally immature. I struggled with maintaining eye
contact; I’d look at people’s foreheads instead. However,
I understood this to be rude, so I learned to hold eye
contact when talking to people. Today it’s no longer
a struggle, but it still doesn’t feel natural.
‘In my opinion, many healthcare professionals view
autism as a disorder comprised of a narrowly defined set
of characteristics or symptoms, and seem unaware of the
fact that there are autistic subtypes and endless variations
in the traits autistic individuals present. This particularly
pertains to many women on the spectrum, because of our
proficient social-adaptive ability.
‘I was formally diagnosed in 2014 by Tania Ann
Marshall, an Australian-based psychologist and the author
of I Am Aspien Girl: The Unique Characteristics, Traits
and Gifts of Females on the Autism Spectrum. She has
unique and extensive experience in working with women
who have autism, across a broad range of ages.eac n ou
o neuro ca soc a s s s
secon na ure ome: ass
or norma u e eas
- BELLA NOLAN*, 29, PSYCHOLOGY STUDENT