first person
sanity I also had to close the door on
our friendship. He had been a really
significant part of my life, but there was
just no way we could keep spending so
much time together now that he was
in a relationship. The fact that his new
love was my sister only compounded an
already complicated issue.
We met in a crowded city pub, jostling
for space among the after-work crowd.
I wanted to scream at him – but instead
I quietly told him that I was going to
miss our friendship. He apologised
profusely: he hadn’t meant to hurt me
or lead me on, he told me, with tears
in his eyes. What he had with Beth was
special, he said, but that didn’t stop him
from caring about me.
I never did confront Beth about the
massive secret she had kept from me.
During our childhood, I’d taken the role
of protective big sister seriously and
the habit had stuck fast. I had bailedher out financially and emotionally
again and again. In some ways, this
time was no different – in letting her
off the hook without a confrontation,
I was still putting her needs above my
own. I won’t lie; family dinners became
a bit of a strain. I bit my tongue when
my parents joked about Beth always
wanting to play with my friends, and
swallowed my pain along with the
Sunday lunch.
My lowest moment came when the
three of us were invited to the wedding
of a mutual friend, and we all headed
there together – the two lovebirds and
me, the awkward third wheel.
Sitting in the back of Si’s car, I was a
one-woman audience to their lust fest.
They were in the throes of infatuation
and couldn’t keep their hands off each
other. I knew they didn’t intend to rub
my nose in it – but that’s exactly how
it felt. Hearing Beth and Si singing
along to ‘Straight Lines’ together at thereception – the song that always made
me remember the sensation of waking
up in Si’s arms – was the ultimate kick
in the teeth.
I just desperately wanted to get
away from the whole soul-destroying
situation. Since Si and Beth had gone
public with their blossoming romance,
my social life had become torturous.
As much as I wanted to avoid them, they
were everywhere – we had so many
friends in common their relationship
was impossible to escape.
After a few months of pretending
to be fine, I booked a one-way ticket
to LA. It was something I’d thought of
doing now and then, but I never had
the guts before. Now I had nothing left
to lose.
Living in LA was a shock to the
system. I had to force myself to get out
and socialise when I wanted to lay low,
and I certainly wasn’t in the mood to
party. But slowly, slowly, I started to
smile again.
I met Will at a house party on a crisp
spring evening. He made me laugh and,
as the night progressed, I realised that
I’d been flirting with him. We swapped
numbers and were texting by the next
day. Our romance happened hard and
fast. There was no second-guessing with
Will – he made it clear that he was all in
from the start.
When Beth rang to tell me that Si had
proposed, I was genuinely happy for the
two of them. The time and distance had
given me perspective. Does everything
happen for a reason? I don’t know, but
in this instance things definitely worked
out for the best.
I’m happy for Beth – she and Si are
married now – and although it was
awkward for a while, today we’re all
great mates. When I’m home, Si and
I can laugh together, just like we did
when we were a couple of friends
cooking dinner. Seeing Beth with him
has helped me realise they make more
sense as a couple. Remembering that
weird night, I can see why I held back- he just wasn’t the man for me and on
some level I must have known he didn’t
share my feelings.
Si really is like a brother now and the
thought of romance between us seems
weird. And I have Will – the cheeky guy
who swept me off my feet – and our
two children. I can’t imagine life without
him but, as fate would have it, I had to
weather a storm to find him. mc
‘I love him.’ And
then, as the rain
poured down
around us, she
added, ‘And HE
loves me too’
JAN/FEB 2018 MARIECLAIRE.CO.ZA 45
stop smiling as I told them details of my
dreamy night and day with Si. ‘I think I’ve
fallen for him,’ I said. My friends laughed- they’d known it all along.
The southerly had hit and fat drops
of rain had started to fall by the time
I met my younger sister, Beth, at the
train station. She was staying at my
place because of a bathroom renovation
at her shared house. As we walked home,
I opened up about my new feelings for
Si. ‘I think I love him,’ I said.
She stopped abruptly. ‘No, you can’t,
Zoe. I love him,’ she said. And then, as
the rain poured down around us, she
added, ‘And he loves me, too.’
They’d been seeing each other in
secret for nearly a month. I felt sick as
her words sank in. My brain swam with
images of Si as she started to explain.
They had always been attracted to one
another, she said, but with so many
friends in common they had wanted to
see how things went without external
pressure. So what the hell was he playing
at when he invited me into his bed?
Incredulous, I told her my side of the
story, but she didn’t seem bothered that
her new boyfriend had spent the night
spooning someone else. ‘He thinks of you
as a sister,’ she said to me gently, as we
dried off in my kitchen.
I thought back to his goodnight
text messages; perhaps they had been
brotherly rather than romantic. I was
too proud to let Beth see me cry. Instead,
I nursed my broken heart behind closed
doors, quietly texting my girlfriends. I felt
ridiculous one minute and enraged the
next. Most of all, though, I felt humiliated - even if Si and Beth hadn’t noticed the
way I felt, everyone else in our friendship
circle had.
My close friends were shocked when
I told them about Beth’s revelation – they
had all been just as blindsided as I had.
‘I honestly thought he was into you,’
one of my girlfriends said, squeezing my
hand. Another was angry on my behalf.
‘Beth is so thoughtless!’ she seethed.
Outside my inner circle, I put on a
brave face – I pretended to be happy
about the sudden pairing of my best
friend and my little sister. I smiled tightly
through awkward conversations. ‘No,
I had no idea!’ I said, determined to hide
my hurt feelings.
Seeing Si for the first time since I found
out the truth was gut-wrenching. I knew
I had to let go of the romantic inclinations
*NAME HAS BEEN CHANGEDthat I’d felt brewing, and for my own