CULTURAL DEBATE
JANUARY 2018|COSMOPOLITAN 53
‘Whatwedidn’tknowwasthatthe
processwouldbecomethesolereason
whywenearlycuttiesandnevergot
married at all.
‘Myfamilymadeitextremely
difficultforSiphotomarrymebecause
they believed he didn’t have enough
moneytotakecareofme.Thatmeant
thatwehadtoputourdreamsofbeing
together on hold. Sipho had already
sentaletterhometomyparents,and
theiranswerwasaresoundingyes
... until they learnt that he wouldn’t
be able to pay the ridiculous amount
of money they were asking for. Apart
from the R56 000 that was asked of
him, Sipho had to stress about saving
money forumsebenzi–theceremony
where we all break bread in celebration
ofourunion.Thisalsopromisedto
be expensive since both our families
are large.
‘The pressure, stress and emotional
paintookatollonourrelationship.He
felt he was being disrespected by my
family.Ididn’tblamehim.Aftermonths
of fighting, we resolved to block out the
noisecomingfrombothourfamilies.
We decided not to go through with
our lobola.
‘Lobola has moved away from
what it used to be. In the past, the
custom was about marking a union
by exchanging gifts. A man would
bringgiftsthathecouldafford–
whetheritwasabagofmaizemeal
orabucketoftraditionalbeer–and
he wasn’t sent away empty-handed.
These days, it’s more about how
much your partner can afford; less
emphasis is placed on the relationship
andthefactthatyouwanttospend
therestofyourlivestogether.
‘We’reinahappyplacenow,
although our families don’t recognise
our engagement. We obviously wish to
getmarriedinthenearfuture.Butfor
now, we choose to enjoy each other
becausethat’swhatreallymatters.’
IS LOBOLA PREVENTING
MARRIAGE?
Whicheversideofthedebate
youfallon,onethingisclear:
lobolacanbeblamed,inpart,for
the decline in the number of marriages
in South Africa. According to a study
bytheUniversityofKwaZulu-Natal,
an increasing number of South Africans
opt out of marriage in order to avoid the
payment. But the study did also show
that many continue to see it as a tool
tocreateabondbetweenfamilies
(much like Hlatshwayo’s experience),
and fundamentally supported the
practice.‘Itriedtofindoutwhether
people would be willing to get
married without paying lobola,
and the overwhelming response was
thatitwasanintegralpartofgetting
married and people would rather not
getmarried[thanbreakthetradition],’
says Professor Dori Posel, one of the
academics involved in the study.MONETISING MARRIAGE
According to cultural expert
Sihawukele Ngubane, the practice
of lobola has moved far away from
its traditional roots. ‘In the past,
amancouldgotohisgarden,
pickoutabunchofpumpkins
and offer [that] as a bridal price,’ he
says.‘Thesedays,thebride’sfamily
dictates what or how much they want.’Insteadofbeingatokenof
appreciation,lobolaisnowaway
tomonetisemarriage.Togetback
toitsoriginalintention,hesuggests
that the practice should be regulated.
‘The Constitution doesn’t specify
howpracticessuchaslobolashould
be conducted,’ he says. ‘Perhaps
regulation could result in the change
we need.’ This could be brought
about by capping lobola amounts
to prevent sky-high bridal prices.‘LOBOLABRINGS
ABOUTASENSEOFBut, fundamentally, Ngubane
feels we need a complete overhaul
of lobola. ‘Families and society
need to forget about money and
go back to the basics. Lobola
is not about money – it’s about
saying thanks, bringing what
you are able to bring as a token,
and joining families together.’CAN YOU BE A FEMINIST
AND SUPPORT LOBOLA?
While the monetisation of
the practice is an issue, there’s
another elephant in the room when it
comes to lobola: feminism. Broadcast
journalist and sports reporter Tumi
Kgasoe says she can’t ignore it. ‘I’m
a feminist who has a problem with
some African customs and traditions,’
she says. How can we adhere to a
custom that excludes women from
the process? The father talks to the
fiancé and, perhaps, the uncles about
the price of a woman. She has no say.
‘This just shows that lobola is nothing
but a practice that was designed
with men in mind,’ Kgasoe says.
‘The only reason this tradition
still stands is because we live
in a patriarchal society.’
For Kgasoe, lobola is also a
practice of women being bought.
Even more confusingly, it creates
a framework for valuing a woman
as though she were a commodity.
‘Questions asked include, “Is she
worth it?”, “Is she a virgin?”, “Does
she have a degree?”, “How many
children does she have?”’ says
Kgasoe. For her, there’s simply
no way to align the custom
with feminist ways of thinking.
But there are still plenty of
South Africans who disagree and
continue to embrace the custom.
Just like Hlatshwayo, they believe
the tradition promotes family ties
and honours the ancient practice- and is key to becoming married.
But traditions, like laws, customs
and society, are fluid and constantly
evolving. Disagreeing with a tradition
doesn’t necessarily mean that your
only option is to reject it entirely.
Instead, you reimagine and reshape
it. And perhaps the time for doing
that is now. ■
COSMOPOLITAN.CO.ZA